22 flavours of Bitch

2009-09-15T05:04:00.001-07:00

Noah- "Do i sound like a horse when i drink my milk?"

Me- "Yes, and you dont need to sound that way when drinking"

Noah- "i cant drink normal"

Me- "yes you can"

Noah- "no i cant"

Me- "yes you can"

Noah-" i think im half horse"

2009-06-24T10:09:00.001-07:00

I had a nightmare about an hour ago. I guess that should teach me to take daytime naps huh? This was a real nightmare though, not just a bad dream. The kind of nightmare that you had as a kid. The kind were airplane fighter jets crash land around you & you're stuck watching people die. . .defenseless to help. The kind where to see what brought these fighter jets down. Some kind of monster. And the monster comes after you because you know it only has one agenda. To feed. And you're crouched in a shell of a destroyed aircraft, try to avoid this thing's searching claws. Claws that are desperately craving flesh & blood. And in this panic for self-preservation, you suddenly wake up. Freaked out and wondering what the hell just happened. Yup, no more daytime naps. . .

2009-06-23T10:45:00.001-07:00

Noah: i want to go with you! Pepaw: no no, get over here and watch that phlembob. Noah & me: haha its spongebob!

the birthday, the blowjob, and the motherfucking pie:

2009-06-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today is my pepaw's 84th birthday. That man is amazing and I love the fuck outta him. Happy Birthday Pepaw!

SO...

On with the updates:

I'm in texas. Currently being awesome, what with the waitressing extraordinaire and everything. THE PLAN: Leave late august. Everyone's saying I wont leave though. Well, fuck them.

Family rundown:

Mother: bitch. Father: working out-of-town. Mother: whoring around w/ new boyfriend. Father: bout to legally ram bitch up the ass via custody war. ....we'll see who comes out victorious.

I'm also staying in a yet-to-be foreclosed-on house by myself. It was awesome when my younger brother was staying there too and we could hang out...now it's pretty damn lonely. But whatevs, the man will not bring me down. Damn the man, save the empire!

Work is work. I am awesome. I have yet to figure out how to patent my blowjobs without it being considered a form of prostitution though...

6 month hiatus:

2009-04-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'll be leaving my home for the next 6 months due to the following reasons:

-I have no job here and can't find one.

-My car was repossessed yesterday and I can't get it back. There is no way I can come up with over $10,000 in the next 15 days; short of robbing a bank. Plus, knowing my luck, I would get a bullet to the face instead of the money anyway.

-I have debt on top of my debt. My credit was already fucked before the repossession.

My concerns:

-Transferring my son to a new school. I don't think he'll take it well at all.

-Living with my parents. They are soul sucking forces that drive me to think unthinkable thoughts. If I end up stabbing my mother, please know that that cunt drove me to it. Crime of passion, not premeditation. Even though I'm discussing it now, I'm not planning it.

-My parents might lose their house.

-Being away from my boyfriend for 6 months. We've never been apart that long in the 5 1/2 years that we've been together. I'm worried we'll grow apart. Or rather, that he'll grow apart from me.

Regardless, I'll be gone til September.

NO! ok? just, no!

2009-04-07T14:27:00.001-07:00

I swear to god, if my boyfriend buys this Star Trek Mural for our bedroom wall, I will NOT have sex in the Captain's Chair! Ok? No matter how many roofie-coladas he makes for me.

Actually, that might work. Hey baby, if you roofie me, you at least HAVE to video having sex w/ my lifeless body; so I can get off to it later. But if you're wearing the Star Trek shirt and throwing up the hand sign, I swear to god it's over.

Source

another reason why i love southwest airlines:

2009-04-02T20:45:00.001-07:00

i totally forgot about that sex dream:

2009-04-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

I had a sex dream the other day and I totally forgot all about it until today. I'm watching The Doctors right now and it sparked my memory. Why? Cuz I had a sex dream about Dr. Travis Stark.

Dude is fine, huh? Plus he's tall! Which is a huge turn-on for me.

From what I remember, I was in some large group of people and we were all traveling together. Travis was apart of this group, and we were the youngest people there. Earlier in the day we had all gone hiking and had come back to the lodge to relax for the night. I started giving Travis a back rub since he was complaining of pulling something during the hike. At this point, it was completely innocent. Then he started getting flirty and touchy-feely with me. Which shocked the hell out of me. I mean, look at him. He is crazy hot and I was thinking the entire time, why are you so interested in me?! I figured it was due to me being the only chick close to his age. I also wasn't sure if he actually wanted to have sex or if he was just teasing. But thank god, he wasn't. We excused ourselves from the group and went to the bathroom. I found out pretty quickly that he wasn't kidding around and even though I was very into it, I was super self-conscience about my body. Super self-conscience. Before anything really good took place, I woke up. Of course.

I woke up horny, anxious, and full of self-loathing. Plus I was confused as to why I had a sex dream, let alone a sex dream about Travis Stork. Oh well, lets ogle for a few seconds and move on.

* oh, apparently he was also on "The Bachelor," which I've never seen.

i have never been more attracted to john mayer...

2009-04-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

I wish I had been on that cruise...

tv junkie?

2009-03-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

I AM! And what makes a great tv show is not only their content and execution during their run, but also how they choose to end the series. That is, how they choose to end their series IF they know that they are being taken off the air. I'm not sure if I could come up with a better top 10 Best Television Series Finales than Arlo J. Wiley, but so far his list is very spot on! No matter what shows I've seen or haven't seen, he and I share the same #1 choice, that's for sure!

I suggest reading his Top 10 Best Television Series Finales List for his brilliant explanations as to why these finales are SO great. I'll just compile the list via photos and gush over the number 1 choice.

Again, this is Arlo J. Wiley's List PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go read his article for a super duper great description on each of his choices!

10. "Exeunt Omnes," Oz

9. "Discos and Dragons," Freaks and Geeks *fuck yes! Freaks&Geeks is in my top five fav shows of all time!

8. "Made in America," The Sopranos

7. "Christmas Special," The Office(UK)

6. "Daybreak," Battlestar Galactica

5. "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen," M*A*S*H

4. "Development Arrested," Arrested Development

3. "Chosen," Buffy the Vampire Slayer *yes!

2. "Not Fade Away," Angel *yes!

1. "Everyone's Waiting," Six Feet Under *YES! muthafuckin' agreed!

Here's the thing about Six Feet Under. It's tied in my top 2 fav shows of all time. That, and Firefly. However, Six Feet Under's finale is (at least in mine and Arlo's opinion)the best show finale EVER. I still tear up if I watch the ending montage. Below is said ending montage, but it obviously wont pact quite the punch if you aren't invested in the characters and have never seen the show. It's still perfect, non the less.

no seriously, i started crying 1:23 into watching it just now!

Fucking Perfect!

obsessed:

2009-03-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm like a ghost
I'll be living in a dirt room
Waiting for the day to be closer
To the window when you're home
I'll be standing by your back door
Reaching for the knife in my coat
I'm going to put it to your throat
Sweaty piggy, you're a bad man
What a fucking sad way to go
Your mother raised you as a joke
I should have wiped away a burden
Use the curtain in the kitchen to choke
You

You think you own me
You should have known me
You took the future and the food off my family's plate
You think you'll use me
I'm stronger than you
You take my money, but it's useless
When see what I do to you
Look what I do to you

Oh god then you awoke
You started screaming through the duct tape
Don't ever think I'm letting you go
I'm busy digging you a hole
Now you'll be living in a dirt room
Breathing through the straw of your own
Come on
I really think that this is fun for the money
I'll make it comfy for the time wasted making you rich
I want to cover you in ants, bees and honey
Then take a picture for the cover of our album!

Kamen Rider:

2009-03-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Here I am, on a saturday morning, doing my awesome motherly duties. Kid's set up in the living room watching like, 5 hours of back to back cartoons on the CW and I'm in kitchen actually cooking breakfast. Yes, it's rare, but I'm bustin' out eggs, sausage, and cinnamon rolls. Every heart attack's, and 5yr old's delight. I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself as I brew some coffee. Then it happens.

As I sit down to peep whatever cartoon/show is on, I realize. I've become an uncool parent. What?! When the hell did this happen?! Whyyyyyy?

Where did this horrible epiphemy come from? From my son's saturday morning cartoon. Or show, rather. I'm sitting there, trying to make sense of whatever the hell is on. And I can't. What the fuck is this show? How does a 5yr old keep track of what's going on when I can't? Oh god, I've transformed into one of those mothers. How embarrassing! It happened overnight. Why? I'm a young mother, I thought I would have been able to fight this off for at least another 10 years.

And what show decided to spin me into the very horrible, uncool pit of despair?

Kamen Rider; Dragon Knight

It's like a super confusing Power Rangers, but on motorcycles. And in the world of reflections. And playing cards are somehow power holders. Plus, there is some kind of cross/double cross storyline going on, and with the entire cast looking the same, I'm have trouble keeping track of who's good and who's bad. Or just who's who at this point.

I keep asking Noah to explain certain things, but he keeps throwing out words such as XAVIAX, ADVENT, DARK KAMEN RIDERS, etc. huh?

Okay, I'll accept defeat. Can we watch Hocus Pocus now please?

It's hard to think through all the cotton-y pain:

2009-03-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for a while and whatever I got, I got from my son. Thanks honey. Then the other day he started crying on and off about his ear, so I finally got to take him to a clinic today. Result: he has an ear infection. Luckily I asked his doctor to look in my ear as well. Result: I have an ear infection. WTH? Can I please stop getting ear infections now that I'm a freaking adult?! PLEASE?!!! I got a double ear infection last year, one that I didn't get checked out until my ears had been bleeding for a few days. Thank you America's Healthcare System and my lack of insurance.

However, the doctor was very sweet and understanding and wrote an Rx for both of us, which through some partnership with Fred Meyer, ended up being free.

Also, random dumbass move:

I suppose since I had been sick and out of it, I didn't realize exactly when Spring Break started for my son. I also wasn't reminded since he came home early last wednesday and thursday for feeling sick. Friday I just kept him home and Friday just happens to be the day that reminders and newsletters and whatnots are sent home with our children. So naturally, still feeling like shit, but (sort of) able to move around, I get Noah ready for school Monday morning. Even the news, which is our main selection for background music in the mornings, keeps talking about Spring Break. It still has yet to dawn on me. As I'm driving out of the apartment complex, I notice that there aren't any kids lined up for the bus. I tell Noah how odd that is and finally wonder if there is any school. I drive on. I get to school only to find it deserted. Again, I wonder if there is any school and I can't figure out why there wouldn't be. I drive around from the drop-off location to the front of the school to see if the office is lit up. As I'm rounding the school, somehow, through all the foggy sickness that has settled on my brain, I come up with the answer. SPRING BREAK! Holy crap Noah, it's SPRING BREAK! Right after I figure it out, I hear on the radio that Portland Schools are out for Spring Break. Thanks local djs.

yes please!

2009-03-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

Conversations with a 5yr old:

2009-03-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

*In my confused quest to do something with my life, I decide to ask my son what he thinks I should do; since I have no idea myself.

Me: Hey Noah, if you could give me any job in the world to do, what job would you give me? What should I do for work?

Noah: I would want you to be happy.

Me: Awwww. Thank you, but what should I do for a job? Like, what should Mommy do when she grows up?

Noah: You should do whatever you want to do.

Me: Ok, but I don't know what I want to do. What do you think I want to do?

Noah: I think you should be a police lady.

Me: Really? Why?

Noah: 'Cuz you're beautiful.

Me: ...and police ladies are beautiful?

Noah: Yes.

bad secks?

2009-03-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

When you encounter a bad sexual experience, do you stop it or do you endure it?

Bad sex happens to everyone, but it's how you handle it that groups you into 3 different personalities.

1. You stop the bad sex from going any further and become the teacher. You instruct your little heart out until you reach full orgasm. You either repay your partner for doing a good job or not, but it's mostly about you and any future partner they might lay their future knowledge on.

2. You stop the bad sex from going any further and ask the offending party to leave. Or you get up and leave. You might add something classy like, "I'm sorry but you are really horrible in bed, please leave."

3. You endure it. You endure it and hope to god that they finish quick and get the fuck out. Then you never ever ever call them again.

Which one am I? I have to say that in (both) those situations, I've been number 3. I don't like confrontation. Plus, guys are super sensitive to constructive criticism, i.e. will start calling you a bitch and basically throwing a big hissy fit if you try to tell them they suck in bed and to gtfo. So yeah. I'll just lay there and take it. Bored out of my mind. Thinking about who I'm going to call the minute Mr.BadLay leaves to chat all about the horribleness of it.

Awesome clip from the movie Waiting, please click to admire my hero Serena for shutting down Monty

In my bad sex experiences, they were both similar in sexual style.

The first happened when I was 16. I had been flirting with a guy for a while and knew I was going to make my move at a party later that night. I even told him and my mother both that I was going to lick him. I cant remember why that was my brilliant "line" but it worked. I doubt it really mattered what I said since I was 16 and willing. Anyway, we started making out at the party and he eventually led me to some empty house that was being built near the field where the party was. (It might be a southern thing, but field parties or pasture parties are one of 3 main party places.) Luckily the house had just been carpeted, so the sex wasn't too uncomfortable. Well, that is, until the, um... jackhammering began. That was his technique. Rapid, shotgun like humping from behind. A steady rhythm with no real feeling. I felt nothing. He actually came twice within about 10 minutes. It was the biggest joke ever. My thought the entire time was "I've waited for SO LONG to have sex again and this is it? Really?!". Afterwards we pulled our pants up and went back to the party. I went into that situation with the intention of it just being a one time thing, and I left the situation wanting it to be a wish-I-could-go-back-in-time-and-never-experience-that thing. Incidentally, one of my friend's ended up dating him soon after that and after comparing notes, her best sexual experience was also my worst. So to each their own. Also, she probably has a very shallow vagina.

My second bad sexual experience a few years after that. I think I was 19 or 20. My longest relationship had just ended and I was newly single with my own apartment for the first time. I ran into an old employee one night at work and gave him my number so he could come over after my shift ended. I wasn't super attracted to him, I just wanted to have fun and it was the first time I had given my phone number out with the intention to hook up 30 minutes later. I rushed home and picked up a little bit, feeling excited. He called and I gave him directions. Once he got there, it was strictly hit it and quit it time. I'm not sure if the door was shut all the way before he started kissing me. I like aggressive guys so this looked like it was going to be a really great night. But no. I realized very soon why he was so aggressive. He had to make up for his very tiny penis. I was shocked. Seriously. Now, it's not like I've dated black men and am just use to a rather huge, er, lifestyle. I'm not. So that was let down number one. Then the sex. Oh the sex. Much like in the first story, dude only had one technique. Rapid fire. You know the saying, "fuck like rabbits"? Well, that's all I could picture in my head since I was experiencing the literal version of that. He actually humped me so fast and hard that I kept falling off the bed. It was ridiculous. Thank god that it was over quickly. Thank god he had no class and jetted out of there immediately afterwards as well. Needless to say, my phone "lost" his number before I lost sight of his taillights.

Now, maybe if either session had gone on for more than 20 minutes, I might have stopped them and said something, but thankfully it was over before I had the thought process to even begin to think of something to say. I suppose I should be thankful that they were also selfish and didn't want to please me. I might have laughed at the mention of such silly notion. Well, no, I take that back. The first guy was and is a sweet guy. He did ask me if I came, which I promptly lied and said yes to. I don't like hurting feelings. Well, unless it's funny, and the only joke was on me those nights.

So what turns me on? Well, that's a completely different blog, but I'll just leave you with a few words: rope/violent/roughplay/slap and this song that is on my "songs to strip&&fuck to" playlist:

i've got blogger's block

2009-03-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

i'm at a loss on what to write. if anyone wants to know anything in particular, just ask. until a muse donkey punches me with some inspiration, i guess i'm out.

Take a bite outta crime.

2009-03-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

Metro bus driver takes bite out of McGruff the Crime Dog, police say

McGruff never saw this one coming.

McGruff the Crime Dog, the stern but beloved police mascot who teaches children how to stop crime before it happens, became a victim himself this weekend when a Metro bus driver punched him in the face as a stunned group of children watched, authorities said.

McGruff, who is played by D.C. Police Officer Tyrone Hardy, was passing out fliers to children at the corner of 14th Street and Spring Road in Northwest Washington around 2:30 p.m. Saturday when a Metrobus pulled up to the curb.

The bus driver, 38-year-old Shawn Brim, climbed out of the bus, adjusted both side-view mirrors and then slugged McGruff in the face with his closed fist, according to a police report. Because the huge McGruff head offered little visibility, Hardy didn't see the punch coming, one officer said.

McGruff staggered, children screamed, and the crime dog's attacker jumped back into the bus and drove off, police said. A call of an assault on a police officer went out over the police radio while passengers on the bus yelled at Brim.

D.C. police working with McGruff hopped in their cruisers and pulled over the Metrobus three blocks away. Brim, 38, later told a supervisor that he was trying "to be funny," Metro spokeswoman Candace Smith told The Examiner on Monday.

"But nobody here finds it funny, believe me," Smith said.*NOBODY BUT THIS BLOGGER, THAT IS* "That kind of behavior is not tolerated."

Hardy was left with a swollen right cheek but refused to be taken to the hospital by D.C. paramedics. Hardy called in sick Monday.

"He was in good spirits but seemed more concerned that the attack upset the kids," police Lt. Alan Thomas said.

Brim was charged with simple assault. His arraignment had not been scheduled as of Monday afternoon.

Brim, who has been employed by Metro since 2003, will undergo drug and alcohol testing by Metro officials, and his future with the agency is under review, Smith said. Brim has a history of arrests in the District of Columbia, including on suspicion of prostitution on Oct. 30, 2006, possession of PCP in 1994 and possession of a gun in 1990, according to court records. In each case, prosecutors declined to file the charges in court.

All Metro transit employees go through background checks when hired, Smith said. Metro applicants are not eligible for hire if they have one felony conviction within the last three years or two within the last 10 years. Applicants with multiple arrests or convictions for lesser crimes will be less likely to be hired, Smith said.

(Copyright 2009 by The Examiner. All Rights Reserved.)

Wait a min. This dude has a history of prostitution, drug possession, and gun possession; and he STILL got hired to drive around a bunch of kids?! Are you kidding me?! I guess as long as your driving record is clean, it's all good.

However, this is still hilarious. The crime enforcement mascot was punched in the face. In front of children. What could be more perfect than that?

yes please!

2009-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

Pi Ice Cube Tray

AWESOME!

Plus, I always wanted to have my own shop named Pi. But with the symbol, not actually spelled out. Regardless of what the shop sold. Cuz I'm a dork.

Care to trip the moonlight fantastic?

2009-03-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

well, my schedule just cleared up

2009-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Cons:

My temp job ended yesterday. We worked an entire 12 days. Woooo. I hate that I won't have a paycheck, but I also hate that I won't be able to volunteer there anymore. Our job was to convert all files into a computer system, so all their filing needs are no longer existant. Which also means that my volunteer status matches. Yes, I could volunteer elsewhere, but I really really like the crew over there.

Back on the stalking-job-postings-and-harrassing-hiring-departments-with-my-mass-emailing-of-the-resume job. No Bueno.

Pros:

Well, now I'll be online and blogging more. Since, you know, I don't have a life.

I just carb-loaded for a marathon. A tv watching marathon. My Guilt is equal to or less than My Satisfaction. I will probably rape the shit out of my Netflix Queue later.

Plans:

I am going to make an appointment to talk to admissions about possibly going back to school. I have no aspirations or goals or even ideas of what I want to do, but student grants and loans might ease my bills/stress/debt. Not sure if I'll actually be able to go back to school, but I'm going to find out.

i want my mtv

2009-02-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

McObsessed much?

2009-02-19T23:10:00.001-08:00

Wow. I am obsessed with the This Is Why You're Fat website. It's amazing. I can get grossed out and hungry all at the same time! However, this picture made me straight up laugh. Also, I think my boyfriend would mclove the shit outta this.

A McDonald’s chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a chicken McNugget.

I'm hella lovin' the vanilla vodka part. Pass me one, and make it a 4 piece!

I Use To Be A Hoe ala a Facebook IM

2009-02-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

9:28pm[guy i went to highschool with]
yea u remember the old eminem song

9:28pmJessica
which one? hahaha

9:29pm[guy i went to highschool with]
comeon i know u remember
remember the little note i was given over the eminem song
the future mrs andy roddick

9:30pmJessica
lol omg i barely remember anything i've done or said hahahahahaha

9:30pm[guy i went to highschool with]
oh wow

9:30pmJessica
i remember you giving me crap for a screen name saying that "chloe" was my stripper name
i mean, i remember hanging out w/ you at your house, but i hardly remember actual conversations

9:31pm[guy i went to highschool with]
u gave me a note that said that this eminem song was an automatic striptease so i was like shit alright came and picked ur ass up and turned that bitch on and u didnt dissapoint
lol

9:32pmJessica
omg, really? that all started w/ a song? wow. i have the worst memory EVER

9:32pm[guy i went to highschool with]
yea superman i think it was lol

9:32pmJessica
hahahahahha omg. i'm such a hoe

9:32pm[guy i went to highschool with]
i think that was just ur way of wanting to see whatsup though lol

9:33pmJessica
i guess. haha who knows.

9:34pm[guy i went to highschool with]
shit i remember everything i remember running outside with my pants down
thinking my parents were home
lol
now that shit is funny

9:36pmJessica
hahahaha what a dork
i remember you saying something about not sleeping w/ anybody cuz you just didnt do that

9:37pm[guy i went to highschool with]
yea yea
we didnt do that
dammit
lol

9:37pmJessica
was that true? cuz what high school guy doesnt have sex?

9:38pm[guy i went to highschool with]
yea i didnt i was all christian then
whatever

9:38pmJessica
wow
hahahaah yeah, i'm sure jesus is cool w/ handjobs

9:39pm[guy i went to highschool with]
exactly lol
thats what i must have been thinking

9:40pmJessica
nice
i think i was on a no sex kick at that time anyway
a lot of good THAT did

9:41pm[guy i went to highschool with]
yea eveything went on except bj and sex i think cause i think u said u didnt like
to get eaten out

9:42pmJessica
oh yeah. still dont. not really. unless a chick is doing it

9:42pm[guy i went to highschool with]
i dont understand that myself but ok
cause that is like my fav thing to do

9:43pmJessica
i love giving head tho. so i guess we're the same on that aspect

9:43pm[guy i went to highschool with]
no i def love getting that but u said u didnt like to do that back then
i was like fuck man
lol

9:44pmJessica
weird. i was on a no bj kick too. i did it too much when i was younger and decided not to do it for a long time
now its my fav thing

9:44pm[guy i went to highschool with]
fuck off lol

9:45pmJessica
whatever christianboy

Okay, first off, I don't know that song. So, that's pure "like what he likes to get him into bed" kind of thing going on. You know, like what a guy would do. I'm pretty sure I was talking a big game and just wanted to see how far he would take it. Well, he took it all the way to his parent's house.

Also, the "future mrs roddick" thing. I like watching pro tennis. Andy Roddick has been my favorite since he went pro. Granted, his anger problem has gotten better and his return has gotten worse, but whatever.

Anyhoo, the moral of the story is: I've always been a hoe, even when I wasn't having sex.

Happy Post-Valentine's STD Testing Day!

2009-02-15T14:33:00.001-08:00

OhNo's!

2009-02-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dutch city fears loss of pornography archive!

AMSTERDAM — Officials in the Dutch city of Leeuwarden say the municipal pornography archive is missing and they fear it may be lost for good or stolen.

Spokesman Erik Krikke of the city’s historical center says the archive — which contained photos, drawings and erotic texts with a connection to the city — may have been taken home by an employee or visitor.

“We’re hoping that someone will say ‘Hey, I have that in my attic’ and bring it back,” he said Thursday. “No questions asked.”

Krikke said the collection was small enough to have fit in a moving box.

Might I suggest trying Google? I'm sure it's been posted somewhere by now. Perhaps Ebay?

Source

fruitloops.

2009-02-13T01:23:00.000-08:00

I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday since it was her birthday. We had a great conversation.

I talked to my mom on the phone today and it was perhaps not a great conversation. She almost started crying. We had to start talking in code.

Oh China!

2009-02-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

Apparently you have to be a smarty pants to take the Driver's test in China. You are given a study booklet of 800 questions, 100 of which will be on the test. Not all are even related to driving: If someone's intestines are protruding from an open abdominal wound, should you: A. Put them back in place; B. Do nothing; or, C. Cover them with some kind of container and fasten it around the body?

Plus, you need to ace at least 90 of the questions to pass. Not to mention the bizarro eye exam that you take by reading the panel's reflection through a mirror.

wtf?

Oh, the kicker? Last year alone, 73,500 people were killed and 304,000 injured in traffic accidents in China.

Welcome to China's roads, among the most dangerous in the world.

Read more here

fail

2009-02-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

Rock Band Wedding Cake

Maybe I'm completely biased since I am already in love with the Mario Wedding Cake, but this is just sucktastic and full of fail. But hey, to each their own. I hope they stay happy in wedded geeky bliss.

Slightly relieved

2009-02-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

and by slightly, i mean i am slightly relieved.

Just got off the phone with two banks discussing my car loans. Yeah, I have two cars leased under my name. Both are late, what with the no job and all. I've been hella stressing about waking up and finding my cars just *gone* one day. I feared the repo man.

The bank that handles my Taurus is much nicer than the back that handles my Jetta, I'll tell you that right now. Neither one is getting repo'd this month, thank goodness. However, I have until Thursday to get $280.51 into my bank account before the Jetta bastards withdrawal from it. Oh, and another $280.51 by the 28th. Neither one likely to happen. Which I told them, but we'll see what happens. That's only for the delinquent payment too. Not counting this month's payment. But hey, at least it's not getting repo'd. That's all that mattered to me.

Now, I just need to file and receive my income tax so I can get myself out of this debt. And credit card debt. Oh, and I haven't paid Daycare yet. Hopefully it'll cover all that, plus the other bills that get automatically deducted from my ahem $0 checking account every month.

Sometimes, being an adult really sucks.

hopped on the bandwagon!

2009-02-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

yup. tweet me here and subscribe or follow or whatever. you know, read the shit i post. that kind of thing.

oh, how do i have my tweets (?) automatically post on this blog? helps! helps! (tweet tweet?) yeah, i'm a dork.

I just died.

2009-02-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

I have been online playing the hella old school game Oregon Trail.

And failing miserably.

First off, I started the game by choosing to be a farmer. I figured a farmer would know more about traveling and hunting and whatnot. Plus, if you make it to the new settlement as a farmer, you get more points.

Next, I named my "party". Dead Man, Dead Woman, Polio Kid, Survivor, and Cripple. Surprisingly, Survivor was the first to die. I morned him and was outraged when I couldn't bury him. Apparently you can only "bury" yourself and give yourself a headstone. Which I found out the unfortunate way.

Here lies Dead Man.
"It's ok to eat yellow snow"

I was also upset that you couldn't ever carry more than 100lbs of food to your wagon, even AFTER you had unloaded hundreds of pounds of dead family. wtf? Really? I think I should be able to make two trips if I shoot two bears or two buffalo in one hunting trip. Or I should have the option to kill one of my ox. Or I should have the option to buy medicine or something. The only recommendation to sickness is to "rest," which is exactly what I blame for 3 of my 5 family member's death. The rest did them in.

And yet, I love this game. Which is odd since most video games piss me off and I have to quit just to save my tv's life so I don't smash my fucking fists through it. I mean, I dig Mario Bros, but after having to restart in the same damn place for the 15th time just pisses me off. And forget any other game. I think the last game I tolerated past a couple of levels was Sypro. Then I realized I had gotten to the end of the DEMO and threw the game against the wall. There was no way I was going to re-play that entire bullshit on the actual game.

Anyhoo, go play Oregon Trail for some good time fun! Lethal Dysentery and all!

*Fun Dysentery shirt here

more potty training creepery

2009-02-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if this shows job dedication or stupidity...

2009-02-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

The job market is getting ridiculous

A 16-year-old student went to a job interview instead of the hospital after he and a schoolmate were stabbed yesterday.

Staff at the King West Vets veterinary clinic said the Central Commerce Collegiate student showed up on time for his 1 p.m. co-op placement interview. But when employees noticed blood on his leg, they called police.

"He did really well on the interview and we were very proud of him for sticking to the appointment," said veterinarian Kent Ackerman. He wouldn't say if the student will get the job.

The teen, the second 16-year-old to be stabbed in the Crawford and College Sts. area yesterday, was taken to hospital with minor injuries.Source

We've discovered "The Internet"

2009-02-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

i am diggin' this song

2009-02-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

50 years ago

2009-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

Super great article (and comment section) here.

I love this song! My son and I were singing along to it this morning.

Pictures of the crash.

Hey, whatever works.

2009-02-03T09:16:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the crapsino sir, please make your deposits here. Dont forget to wash your hands after you cash in your chips!

Wtf?

Well, as someone who has gone through the ABSOLUTE HELL of potty training a kid, I say "whatever works." Seriously, I would much rather go through labor again than potty train again. Now, maybe I've forgotten exactly how painful labor is and I remember how horrible potty training is since it was more recent; but still.

Oh, the icing on the cake? You can get them here.

awesome.

2009-02-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

The phone number 867-5309 is up for bid on ebay. CNN is reporting all about it (seriously?). I totally want it. Now, if only my name were Jenny....

The lesson learned is:

2009-02-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

Never drink and drive or drink and use Craigslist. Always spells trouble.
MOUNTLAKE TERRACE, Wash. -- Police knew something wasn't quite right after they spotted a man driving a piece of construction lift equipment down a street at 3 a.m. on Thursday. The man, who appparently had been drinking, was in the lift bucket of the Genie Boom with an unopened six-pack of beer and a bag of beef jerky when police pulled the vehicle over. He was clocked at 2 mph.

At first the 29-year old man told police he was just going to the store. But when they asked him why he was in the bucket on the lift, he said he was delievering the $20,000 piece of construction equipment on a dare from a stranger he met on Craigslist, according to a police report.

The Everett Herald reported the lift apparently had been taken from a construction site.

The man was jailed for investigation of theft.

source

hahahah whatcha wanna bet dude has no idea why he's waking up in a jail cell the next day?

Now THIS is something I would totally rock on Halloween:

2009-01-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

A slutty hamburger dress. Click here to view the product page, with side and rear pictures of the dress. Sadly, no way to buy it. I could totally rock a bra with it, with bacon straps of course. Maybe a bacon garter belt with crocheted stockings. Oh the possibilities. I'll be ordered up your way, baby! hahahahha. You just have to provide the sauce.

Job Interview!

2009-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

The job was for a credit card/atm troubleshoot call center type thing. I interviewed with two people who I got along great with. It was actually quite an enjoyable interview, so I hope I got the job. They seem like fun people to work with, and I'd rather have fun working in a seemingly boring job, than be crazy bored working in a seemingly great job. Being productive and having fun are the most important things, especially since I just came from the most boring job on the face of the planet. I want to actually be happy in the next job I do, no matter what it is.

I really really hope I got it.

*Oh, and I hope if I do get it, that I get to wear one of those really cute headpiece phone thingys. Those are awesome!

Random...

2009-01-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

not me, but still very awesome

3 Things:

2009-01-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

:: I officially have a negative balance in my checking account from taking my son to the dentist today. Apparently my credit card is expired and my child support card was declined (wtf?). Fucking YAY.

:: I have an job interview tomorrow. I have to put extra thought into the interview outfit and hair since the guy I'm interviewing for likes pretty girls. I am not optimistic.

:: Oh yeah, and I fully hate life right now.

Music = ♥ ?.....More like: Music = Hoe working to a beat

2009-01-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

I change up the music profile playlist that's on my myspace page fairly often, and I do bring it up when I'm on the computer and listen to it when I'm doing other things. That is, when I'm not streaming a radio station online. I do have an iPod, but I have no idea where it is. So I have two playlists that I manage on myspace. One for my profile and one titled "Songs to strip&&fuck to". I'm going to make a third on labeled "hoe mix" soon, full of ghetto ass songs to dance to.

Since my musical tastes are varied and I could never narrow my likes down to one favorite, I'll just list what's on my profile playlist today.

1. Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge
2. Ulysses by Franz Ferdinand
3. Blood On The Ground by Incubus
4. Believe by The Bravery
5. Golden Years by David Bowie
6. Fame by David Bowie
7. American Boy by Estelle
8. United States of Whatever by Liam Lynch
9. Boys With Girlfriends by Meiko
10. You Don't Know Me by Ben Folds

It'll probably be different by tomorrow. But today, it's still groove-worthy.

Obama could kick Darth Vader's ass!

2009-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Click for Random Japanese Obama Action Figure

Oooohhhh yeahhhhhh! I'm pretty sure he could take G.I.Joe too! I mean, come on! He even comes with the American flag, microphone, selection of red & blue ties, weapons, interchangeable hands, and picnic set. What more could you possibly need?

Who needs porn when ya got this?!

2009-01-25T00:06:00.000-08:00

OMG, I've never been attracted to Jim Carrey before seeing this movie, but GODDAMN, that is HOT! Seriously, maybe it's because I'm a chick and girls get off more to fantasy than visual (unlike guys), but this clip gets me so revved up and ready to go! OH!

i am the walrus

2009-01-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

sorry for the crummy cell phone video, we'll probably make a better quality one soon, since he is obsessed now with the Beatles' tunes from the movie Across the Universe.

wanna break the law?

2009-01-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Step one: Find random electronic road sign, like such:

Hack the guts, like so:

Take a moment to chuckle over awesome results, perhaps snap a pic, then RUN:

hahahahhahahaha. If you would really like to know how to pull that off, click here. The instructions seem easy enough, but...um, i'm too much of a pussy. Plus, I would probably go overboard and make the sign say something super offensive, yet hilarious. O well.

In case you didn't know...

2009-01-21T08:10:00.000-08:00

Our Mayor had sex with an 18yr old intern and lied about it. I have one word for this situation: HOT!

Look, I don't understand how politics is the only time when you have to disclose past sexual relationships and current sexual activity for your job. Why is this ever an issue? I don't understand how a person's most private life is automatically public business when they go into politics. Why is this the only job where it's okay? Any other job and you could sue the pants off (pun totally intended) your boss for asking any questions about your sex life. I get that people are mad that he lied, and mad about the way he lied; making it out to be almost a gay right to not stereotype gay men as pedophiles, and that he was so disgusted that people would accuse him of sleeping with his intern. He probably shouldn't have pushed it that far considering it was a lie. But seriously, I would have lied too. It's no body's business. I don't care what job you have.

"Oh, but it reflects on their character."
"He isn't trustworthy now."
"If a person can't have a stable/uncontroversial life at home, then they couldn't possible have a stable/uncontroversial professional life either."

Guess what? That's all crap. A person's sex life is a non issue. Period.

A Good Mother doesn't lose her kids, does she?

2009-01-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

well?

Or is that one of those, "well, every mother goes through it, but no mother warns others about it" kind of thing? hmmmm?

Earlier today I let my son play out back. Before going outside, I laid down some ground rules:

1) Don't go in the parking lot. Stay on the grass.
2) Don't hit any of the cars with the ball. Don't throw it in that direction.
3) Don't talk to any strangers.
4) I know you like to say hi to people, but today, don't talk to anyone. You don't know it they're good or bad people, okay?

So that was pretty much it. I let him play out back with some random ball. After a while, I can hear him playing with other kids. Of course I periodically check on him, and keep the blinds open so I can see him. I even say hi to the kids that are playing with him.

At one point, my son comes in and asks if he can go to the kid's house to play. I go outside to tell the kids that my son can not go to their house, but maybe tomorrow. I say that they can play until it gets dark, but then my son has to come inside. They agree and decide to keep playing outside for a little while longer.

I'm not letting my child go to anyone else's house until I meet their parents and know where the house it, obviously.

It started to get dark so I go outside to get my son. I don't see any kids. I don't hear any kids. I'd like to say I kept my cool, but I definitely felt a little panicky.

I walk around out back, then I circle our apartment building. No kids. I go back inside to see if he came back. No kid. I grab my keys and my phone and go back out the back door.

I hear some kids running and screaming playfully. I go to where they are and I recognize the two kids that were playing with my son, but I don't see my son with them. They are starting to go inside their apartment and I stop them. "Have you seen the kid with the blue coat?"
"No"
Their older brother who wasn't playing with them earlier asks me what's wrong. I tell him nothing, I'm just looking for my son. One of the original asshole kids speaks up.
"He chased us all the way that way."
"Do you know where he is NOW?"
"No"

I turn around and leave the little asshole kids who abandoned my son and start the hunt again. As I'm rounding my apartment building and step into the parking lot, I see two women walking on either side of my son, holding his hands. Thank god. I was thisclose to crying, and I was definitely dreading going into the park at night to look for him.

The women tell me that they heard him crying outside their back door by the park. I thank them over and over and show them where we live, in case it ever happens again. yeah right. He tells me that the kids left him there and he got scared since he couldn't find his way home.

Of course he's in trouble for breaking the rules. He had to leave the grassy area to cross the parking lot in order to get near the park. Plus he's not allowed to play with those lying little fuckers anymore either.

In real time, this whole thing didn't last more than 10 minutes, maybe less. I still got scared. I kept imagining finding his twisted body in the parking lot, a victim of some hit and run*. Or finding him getting hassled by some 13yr old thug drug dealers in the park. And it's not like we live in some super bad place, it's just what sprang to mind when I couldn't find my son.

I hope to god that Good Mothers go through this too. I hope it's not a Bad Mother thing. I mean, I almost told him not to talk to kids either, but I don't want to make him that weird kid that doesn't get to play outside ever.

Anyway, I'm glad it's over. I'm glad my son is okay and knows to listen to me now. I'm definitely glad it turned out to be no big deal and that there are still good natured adults that live here. We need to get back to a time when we knew our neighbors.

*That isn't a far fetched thought, a kid that goes to his school got hit by a car just last week or the week before on our street. I think her mom who was walking with her died, but the little girl survived. The road to our apartment complex was closed for hours when it happened and the school just sent home a note urging parents to watch out for post traumatic symtoms in the other students.

Yaying the tv gods!

2009-01-16T20:37:00.000-08:00

NBC's The Office has gotten renewed for another season! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Flow Charts are FUN!

2009-01-16T19:53:00.000-08:00

click here to see the charts bigger and not so cut-off-y.

yum-tastic!

2009-01-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

woah!

That is totally made out of GUMMY BEARS!

In Detail:

I myself dig the Mommy Gummy Bear and Baby Gummy Pouch!

Click here to check out more of Ya Ya Chou's Gummy Bear Series, amongst other awesome arty awesomeness.

And even though that lamp has GOT to end up being a melted, sticky, sweet sweet mess, it's still pretty rad. Although I do have to wonder why more crackheads haven't thought of this before....*

*Note, I do not think the artist is a crackhead, I am just surprised that actual crackheads haven't thought to do this at 3:30am with their abundance of candy...

holyshitomgthatsfuckinginsane!

2009-01-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

These people poured cement down into an ant colony and then dug around it to learn what it looks like and OMG it is amazing! Seriously. Craziness. Oh, and fuck ants.

mario transcents all:

2009-01-13T10:58:00.001-08:00

Wish me luck!

2009-01-13T08:58:00.000-08:00

-I'm going to need it.

Job interview today. First one since getting "let go" back on fucking Halloween. I'm crazy nervous since I don't have a stellar record with interviews. I just get nervous. Which is stupid since I'm pretty laid back and get along with just about everybody. However, I can also be the quiet person who only gets super awesome after I've been around you for awhile. Not counting the fake outgoing personality I put on when dealing with customers/clients/whomever. All of which can be hard to see when I'm nervous. Ugh.

Plus there is a-fucking-lot riding on this interview. I have barely any money in my bank account. I am late on every bill except daycare and rent. I'm sort of paranoid that my cars will be repo'd. I probably need to check my cingular bill. Not that I have any money to pay that shit anyway. I suppose I'll be living off my credit card again. Yay debt!

Fuck today. I'll need a large alcoholic drink after the interview.

Mid-Morning Dream:

2009-01-12T12:01:00.001-08:00

I had a dream...

In my dream, I was high school age, and living with my parents and siblings in some little east coast town. However, it was present day.

We were having some sort of little get-together with friends and family when President Bush showed up with his wife Laura. He was getting ready for his very last televised speech as president and wanted a place to chill out before going on. Of course we said yes.

I was already in my parent's room when President Bush came in and said he wanted to take a nap. He asked me to be the person to wake him up. We got into a small discussion about when he should wake up and what to bring him at that time. The only problem was, we couldn't figure out what the current time was.

My watch time was different than my phone time, and both were completely different than multiple clocks throughout the house. My watch was saying 1:16pm, My phone was saying 4:15pm, and the clock beside the bed was saying 6pm. So, I started to panic.

President Bush lays down while I try to figure out what time it is, so then I can tell him, and he can in turn, tell me when to wake him up.

I walk into the kitchen. Here, many people and their kids are mingling about, eating, talking, visiting with one another. I say, "Excuse me, but does anyone have the correct time?" Somehow, my urgency for find the time is laughable because everyone sort of laughs and brushes me off. Sort of like, oh that jessica, her and her silly notions.

My older brother Jason asks me why it's such a big deal. So I tell him, "well, the president is taking a nap in dad's bed and the ONLY job he gave me was to wake him up at xoclock and i can't even figure out what time it is now, so I could potentially screw up the President's Last Televised Speech by not waking the President up on time!!!"

"Oh, well, that's easy, it's...." and as everyone in the kitchen look around, we realise that none of the clocks say the same time either. I find the president's wife, Laura in the living room at the buffet table. I ask her for the time and say that I have to wake George up but can't figure out when to do it. She misunderstands what I mean by that, and proceeds to make up a plate for him, telling me that George will be pretty hungry when I wake him, and to bring him this tray of food and some coffee. Oh, and a newspaper that is three quarters of the way intact (since it was afternoon, I suppose she didn't want me to bring him a nearly empty paper).

She keeps putting various cold cuts and cheeses and things onto this platter, all the while giving me these instructions; however, some pigtailed little blonde girl keeps picking things off the platter. I tell her to stop and try to shoo her away, but it only adds to the anxiety that is building.

Laura walks away so I decide that I might as well take the tray to the President's bedside. As I start to pick it up, I notice a guy kind of off to the side, shaking his head and sort of chuckling to himself. I'm pretty mentally frazzled at this point and almost yell a "what?!" at him. He says, "what's the big deal, just chill out, no one is going to let the president oversleep. Besides, the job they gave you was to introduce him, not wake him up."

"WHAT?!" Introduce him? Oh god, I have no make up on and I'm wearing a pull over hoodie and look like all around crap. Plus, I don't know how long I have to get ready before the speech since I dont know what TIME IT IS!!!

I run to Laura and ask her about it and she says "noooo! no, you are not introducing him! hahahha I'm sorry, but we have someone else -"

"That's okay, really. I don't want to do it. Thank you so much!"

hahahha so, my anxiety is now pretty much gone with that relief. I figure that I have nothing to worry about and the President's wife or secret service can wake him. I wonder back into the kitchen thinking about how I let all that get me so frazzled and I literally bump into that guy. It dawns on me that he just lied and played a joke on me; which made me look like a bigger fool than I'm sure I was already looking. I playfully hit him and act like I'm mad, but it gets us talking.

He is cute and I already am crushing on him. Even though my dream is set in the past and the present, I know I have a boyfriend. I flirt anyway.

My older brother comes back in and I'm joking and laughing with both of them now. I guess I feel pretty confident at this point, because I pick up a piece of broccoli and walk over to that guy. I say, "would you like to try this? It's pretty awful." He says, "I'll try it but how about we make this out first official mouth to mouth interaction?"

We step out back and I put the broccoli halfway into my mouth and leave half sticking out. He takes the other half with his mouth, ala body shots. It's sexy. I ask him, "pretty awful, huh?" and we laugh.

We go back inside and mingle and just hang out.

The dream kind of turns into something else entirely at that point, but it was pretty odd to begin with. Odd but nice.

omgwhy?why?why?!

2009-01-08T14:44:00.000-08:00

WHYYYYY did I watch this video?!

Dude is clearly auditioning for some sort of reality talent show. And, um...I don't think the judges were "split" on their decision to let him through to the next round.

Enjoy.

I can understanding asking for the ring back, but this?

2009-01-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

NY man wants kidney back in divorce

Really? How much of a douche do you have to be?

"There is no deeper pain you can ever express than betrayal from someone who you loved and devoted your whole life to. And I saved her life," said Dr. Richard Batista.
Dr. Batista says his wife broke his heart. Now he wants her kidney.
Back in 2001 Batista's wife needed a kidney transplant. He turned out to be a match and ended up saving her life.
But now that there is trouble in paradise, he wants the kidney back.
Of course legally, since the kidney is in his wife's body, it now belongs to her.
Since he can't have it he's asking for over a million dollars in compensation.

Note to self: When making prenup, include a medical organ donation clause!

Glad I'm not the only one...

2009-01-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

...who hates Karaoke!

The karaoke machine has been named in a government survey as the most irritating invention.

No freakin' joke!

A poll of more than 2,500 adults found that that nearly 25% of Brits wish it had never been invented.
"When people are singing karaoke they are enjoying themselves, but as a member of the audience you are just watching somebody who can't perform, and isn't particularly pleasant to listen to, for as long as you can bear it."

There's two kinds of people in the world...

2009-01-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

...jay leno fans, and david letterman fans.

Fate?

2009-01-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

Almost being in a wreck is ALWAYS better than being in one, of course. On the drive back from Texas to Oregon, my sister and I were almost in this wreck. Literally, if we hadn't stopped at a convenience store right before that mile marker, we would have been in that wreck. Instead (thankfully) we were stuck right behind it for 3 hours. Driving through that spot after they opened the highway was creepy. You could see skidmarks for a solid mile, and part of the guardrail was out, you could tell a car had gone through it.

A runaway truck smashed into 11 other vehicles on Interstate 5 in the mountains north of Los Angeles on Wednesday, injuring 11 people, authorities said.

"foggy conditions were a factor"...yeah, no joke. At the bottom of the hill was zero visibility. We definitely stopped wondering why the cars didn't move out the of the 18wheeler's way once we drove through that spot.

Sad.

Merry Blah-Blah

2009-01-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

I'm BACK!!!

2009-01-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been so long, I was out of town for the holidays. I'll probably make a video about it. Quite the xmas.

Freakin' Awesome.

2008-12-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right. It's an Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" Barbie® Doll

I TOTALLY WANT IT!!!

Now, since I don't like to push my love for old movies onto my boyfriend, he probably doesn't realize just how BIG of a Alfred Hitchcock fan I am; but I AM. Completely and utterly, geeked out kind of fan. I love his movies. I love the plots, the actors, the freaking way the scenes are shot. The lighting and camera angles are almost always beautiful. When I was 10yrs old, I made my grandma take me to the Alfred Hitchcock Show that use to run at Universal Studios. I swear, if I had been alive at the time, I would have died my hair blonde and been one of Alfie's special girls'.

Plus, I love barbie.

If you remember back to my halloween costume ideas, I wanted this one:

Anyhoo (Diner Sequence, Parts 1&2) :

Ahhh the age old question:

2008-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

Do video games cause violence? I don't know about all that, but an unstable mental history certainly will.

Daniel Petric killed mother, shot father because they took Halo 3 video game, prosecutors say

In September 2007, Daniel, then 16, had sneaked out of his bedroom window to purchase the game at a store against his father's orders. When he returned home, his parents caught him with the game and took it from him. His father, Mark, a minister at New Life Assembly of God in Wellington, put the game in a lockbox in a closet where he also kept a 9mm handgun, according to prosecutors.

About a month later, on Oct. 20, 2007, Daniel used his father's key to open the lockbox and remove the gun and the game. The boy shot his parents, killing his mother and gravely wounding his father. As his father lay wounded, Daniel tried to place the gun in his father's hand.

Also on Monday, a tearful Mark Petric testified that his son came up behind him as he sat on the couch and said, "Would you guys close your eyes? I have a surprise for you."
Petric, 45, said he "expected a pleasant surprise" and closed his eyes. Then his head went numb. As the blood poured from a bullet wound in his head, he realized his wife, Susan Petric, 43, was lying dead on a nearby loveseat, shot in the head, arms and chest.

Petric said his son shoved the gun into his hand saying, "Hey Dad, here's your gun. Take it."

Mark Petric broke down on the witness stand as he said he believes he survived the shooting only because his daughter and husband arrived at the house to watch an Indians game. He heard his son telling them they couldn't come inside.

"You guys shouldn't come in," Mark Petric recalled his son saying. "Mom and Dad had a big argument."

The couple, Heidi and Andrew Archer, testified they heard a moan - possibly their names being groaned - from inside the house, pushed their way in and found the elder Petric wounded and his wife dead. The elder Petric, through his shattered jaw, managed to say his son had shot him, while Daniel tried to blame his father.

Heidi Archer called 9-1-1 and then realized that Daniel had picked up the handgun that had been lying on the couch. Her husband took the gun from the boy, who gave it up without resistance.

The boy ran out of the house and fled in the family van. He was caught by Wellington police a short time later, the Halo 3 game still on the front seat.

Prosecutors are not seeking the death penalty due to his age, so no jury.

Conversations with the parents: Vol. 937

2008-12-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Mom: I wish you were here, I miss partying with you!

Me: I wish I was there too mom. Where are you right now?

Mom: I'm riding in a car with my friend Tracy, we're going back to his house. We had to stop by my house to pick up some Vicodin. You should meet Tracy's friend, I told them how beautiful you are.

Me: UGH Maaahhh-uhhhm! Stop pimping me out to all your friends!

Mom: hahahahha but I told them you were too rough for them anyway.

[Laughter and talking in the background]

Mom: They said that they would bring their rope. hahahaha

Me: Gross mom, I think I'm going to vomit.

Mmmmmm....meat cake:

2008-12-13T13:26:00.001-08:00

I'm intrigued. This, my friends, is a meat cake. Layers of hamburger and ketchup, frosted with mashed potatoes. I'm not sure if it would be gross or awesome. I guess you'd have to taste it...and periodically reheat that mutha.

Click here for recipe & more pics.

This explains SO much!

2008-12-13T00:36:00.000-08:00

Ummmm yeah. I use to live in that town.

Note to self: DO NOT text Dad after losing virginity....he owns a gun.

2008-12-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

hahahahhahhahahahahha

What a moron. Lizzy here went on a class trip, lost her virginity on the beach, then promptly texted her dad alll about it!

Click above for full, hilarious story. Thank god I didn't have a cell phone when I was 13....

What do you want for Christmas?

2008-12-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Good lord I need to cut that kid's hair! He likes it long because it makes him look like Troy Bolton:

This morning he insisted on being called Clark Kent because of his outfit:

Yes, he watches Smallville. He likes anything with superheros or singing.

So the fact that he says his name is "Jason" is weird, but no surprise. I have no idea who this Jason person is, it's certainly not anyone in the Justice League, anyone who's been to the Daily Planet, or anyone that's set foot into the Batcave. There is a Jason in High School Musical, but that's not who he's talking about. I don't know, kid is crazy.

Plus, that's the first time I've heard him mention Hungry Hungry Hippos. Or getting The Santa Clause 3 movie. He's really been talking about those damn Pokemon cards forEVEr. So that answer was a curve ball.

Don't even ask me about the "naked" thing. I have no idea.

It's always the quiet, conservative ones...

2008-12-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

Politicians in Australia's most populous state could be breath-tested for alcohol before voting on laws after a series of late-night incidents that have embarrassed the center-left government.

New South Wales state lawmaker Andrew Fraser resigned from his conservative opposition frontbench role after shoving a female colleague in the wake of Christmas party celebrations.

"Breath test this mob," said a front page headline in Sydney's mass-selling Daily Telegraph newspaper. State police minister Matt Brown was dumped from his portfolio in September after allegedly "dirty" dancing in his underwear over the chest of a female colleague after a drunken post-budget office party.

Conservative Opposition Leader Barry O'Farrell said he would support alcohol breath tests for drunkenness for lawmakers before they entered parliament, while Green MPs John Kaye and Lee Rhiannon also backed the plan, along with the parliament's speaker.

"Honestly, if you are going to have breathalyzers for people driving cranes you should have breathalyzers for people writing laws," Kaye told the Telegraph.

It makes perfect sense! If only they had instated that when Bush was in office...

In case this wasn't clear...

2008-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

...you can NOT attack a speed enforcement camera with a pickax!

Picking your nose can KILL you:

2008-12-06T17:05:00.000-08:00

A man died because he picked his nose so much he bled to death, an inquest heard.

Manchester coroner Nigel Meadows said about the death of 63-year-old Ian Bothwell: 'There is no explanation for this death other than he died from a nose-bleed, consistent with picking his nose. I do not think for a moment he knew what he was doing was going to cause his death.'
He recorded a verdict of misadventure.

A pathologist concluded that Mr Bothwell, who suffered from dementia brought on by alcoholism, had picked his nose so much that it had caused him to bleed to death.
The only place he found any contributory evidence was inside Mr Bothwell's nasal cavity, which was full of blood.

Dr Benbow told the inquest: 'The nasal cavity was filled with blood. My conclusion is that the most likely cause of death is epistaxis, the technical term for a nose-bleed.

'The most common cause of epistaxis is picking the nose and I believe that is likely to be what happened.'

Mr Bothwell had been a fit young man until he suffered a brain haemorrhage when he was 20. He was unable to work and he quickly descended into alcoholism.

His only relative was a sister living in Cornwall, who he saw just once in 30 years at his mother's funeral in 1986.

Aside from the depressing backstory, I am surprised that this doesn't happen more often. At least in children anyway. When my son was about 18months - 2years old, he would constantly pick his nose until it would start bleeding. He probably wouldn't stop there either, but...ya know...the blood would catch our attention. In fact, sometimes I'll notice some crusted dried blood in his nose now; but not very often thank goodness. It's pretty common for children to pick their nose to excess, so it's a wonder that there aren't serious medical problems that arise.

Word to the wise: Tissues are your friend!

I've been saying this for months now...

2008-12-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

I've been saying this same exact thing for months now. To fix the economy, all we have to do is legalize gay marriage, legalize and tax the fuck out of weed, and legalize and charge up the ass for prostitution. Think about it. Jobs upon jobs would be available, crime would go down, stds and AIDS would go down, etc etc.

And if the drugs and sex is too much for you to stomach, then just legalize gay marriage. Do you realize the average wedding costs $30,000? Helllooooo. Not to mention marriage counseling and divorce costs. Because, you know, marriage doesn't work, regardless of sexual preference. Anyway, point is, if you are so hung up on every other aspect of gay marriage, just remember, it would help the economy!

Recognize that shit now?

2008-12-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

No? Really? How 'bout now?

Still no? What the fuck...

It's muthafukin' MALLRATS! The very awesome movie by Kevin Smith, which if you haven't seen, you should. Fuck, you should just OWN it! You can see the trailer here since that some douche wouldn't allow embedding.

Brody (Jason Lee) is my absolute favourite, and I love every bit of dialog he says. The movie should have been about him, not TS; in my opinion.

So yeah, the blueprints are framed and on my living room wall.

I also have this framed, well, the top one at least:

That little gem is from the Kevin Smith movie, Chasing Amy.

Classy, no? ;)

:::DISCLAIMER::: I do not hate gay people, I've licked enough clit in my day to appreciate the comedy, people. ...fuck.

Sounds like something Nicole Wallace would do...

2008-12-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

If you watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent as much as I do, then you'll know exactly who I'm talking about. If you're not watching, then you totally need to, because Vincent D'Onofrio is fucking brilliant!

Anyway, Uganda's police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. Hahahahhahahahahha. Awesome!

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state," Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP.

"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him," he said. "And the victim doesn't remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing."

Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter.

"She is a very dangerous lady," the official said.

While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

"We don't know exactly how they get these materials," Enanga added. "That is something that our investigations must crack."

He called on men, particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry a lot of cash, to take caution.

"It's a serious situation and people have to be aware."

Yeahhh, "people have to be aware"...people like skeezy rich business men who are trying to pick up some trim on their way out of the hotel bar. Please, spare me. Fuckers get whats comin' to 'em, as far as I'm concerned. And yes, I am pissed I didn't think of this first!

yours truly

2008-12-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

Dreams can be so tiring...

2008-11-29T21:37:00.000-08:00

For months I've been having a lot of dreams. It's sort of odd.

A few nights ago I had a dream where I was waiting tables at my old job, and was about to get off work since it was almost closing time. I fixed myself a salad to eat after cleaning up and set it down. Suddenly, the restaurant started to fill up w/ customers at the last minute. One of the other servers started complaining about getting sat because they had just finished cleaning their section, but I told him to stop whining and get back on the floor, since the restaurant was literally filling up and no one was leaving. At this point there are three servers (including me) handling the dining room, and while I'm in the main wait part of the kitchen in the back, I hear a voice yell out, "gun!." Shots are fired and everyone falls to the ground, including me. I can see into the dining room from where I am in the kitchen, and I get out my cell phone. A man is standing up, holding a child, and pointing the gun at who I can only assume is the child's mother or grandmother. As I'm describing the situation to the 911 operator, all cop-like (shots fired at Lone Star Cafe in Hillsboro Tx, shooter is a black male, in his late 20s, early 30's, white tshirt, black pants, etc etc), I see that he sees me. He starts coming toward the kitchen. I know I'm about to get shot, but can't stop talking to the 911 operator. I wake up.

A week ago, I have a dream where I've just parked my white van (I don't own a van in actual life). It's dark, nighttime. I get out with my passenger and we start walking up and around a building. A couple of people come out of the darkness, perhaps from behind a tree, and a man has a gun. He points it at me. I raise my hands above my head and start to say something like, "hey man, chill out, just take the van.." but before I can even finish a sentence, he shoots me. I gasp with so much force (and surprise) that it physically wakes me up.

I was telling my sister about these dreams and she promised to look up shootings/violence/etc in her dream books and get back to me. Here is what she found out:

guns: whether you saw it, heard it or used it, any type of gun featured in your dream forecasts an injustice, either to you or to someone in your close circle, which you will have to fight hard to overcome

hmmmm.

If you have sex in a bathroom, make sure a crowd of people aren't gathering, ala Sixteen Candles:

2008-11-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

A couple of University of Iowa fans took a break from Saturday's game at the Metrodome against the University of Minnesota to have some illicit sex in a Dome restroom, police said.

The duo — a 38-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man from Carroll and Linden, Iowa, respectively — turned a handicapped toilet stall into their love nest about 8:30 p.m., late in the Hawkeyes' 55-0 trouncing of the Gophers.

A crowd of intoxicated fans gathered in the restroom to laugh and cheer the off-the-field action, until an Avalon Security guard tipped off University of Minnesota police to the ruckus.

Officers had to interrupt the intimate moment to cite the couple for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor

And here's the kicker:

Hestness assumed the woman was embarrassed about being caught: She initially gave a false name to officers and had to be identified by her husband before she was released.
The man was attending the game with his girlfriend, according to police.

"It's a long ride back to Iowa," Hestness said.

Hahahahahah. Fucking, brilliant! Just goes to show you, cheaters never prosper...or cheat smart.

Source

It was a sad November:

2008-11-29T15:21:00.000-08:00

Tiggerboy's xbox360 died...so he held a very geeky, very kick ass funeral for it. Check Check Check it out here.

Rad.

just...why?

2008-11-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

You can buy upside down christmas trees at Homedepot, but why would you want to?

On a totally unrelated note: blogging topless is fun!

wtf

2008-11-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

At first it just seemed like a video of kids masturbating, then I slowly started to get freaked the fuck out by all the staring. They're looking right at me. Like into my soul. wtf?! Also, what's with the demon chick? Or the little pussy who is actually crying? Seriously dude? You make me want to slap you with the power glove. I don't know whether to throw the laptop out of fear, or weep from the lack of humanity these kids have.

On the other hand, I hope my boyfriend never films me playing games. Lets just say it would be NSFW based on the profanity alone.

Dear Santa,

2008-11-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas is Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-based Recipes.

Description:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

I especially love the product reviews.

about time [ No Rating ] 21 Nov 2008
by joe brown
I bought this book the second I heard about it. I had been shooting my scrotal milk into all of my friends dishes without them knowing for years, since I got this all have been requesting my brew in their food.
Still, I don't think I'm ok with my mom eating my gonad glazed goodies but she says it tastes pretty good.
Also makes for easy transition from breast milk to solid food for babies. Plus they're still used to the nipple so they do most of the work.
A++

So, as you can see Santa, it's a pretty useful tool for my kitchen. It's time for me to turn my naughtyness into niceness, right? Or turn it into a decent chicken breast, at least.

Too.Many.Jokes...Don't...Know Where... To Begin...

2008-11-19T22:05:00.001-08:00

CARLISLE — There's little undisputed in this story, the tale of the tipped trailer.
Frances Barton's single-wide, the one she had fully paid $5,000 for and was hoping to move to a little piece of land she was buying on a $250-a-month land contract, is now literally in pieces on Jim Gaunce's front lawn.

Frances Barton cried Tuesday as she watched cleanup on what's left of her single-wide mobile home four days after it was overturned while it was being moved along U.S. 68 in Nicholas County near Carlisle.

How, exactly, the mobile home came to this odd resting place is where the story gets complicated. On Friday, Barton hired a guy to put her house on a trailer and move it up U.S. 68 in Nicholas County. When the trailer broke down and the house blocked the highway for hours on end, the sheriff got involved.

Barton, and the extended web of friends and family who lived with her, claim authorities didn't give them time to clear out a house full of furniture, much less clothing and the things that can't be replaced such as pictures, favorite toys and baseball card collections.

Barton's boyfriend, Alan Gaunce, no relation to Jim, said somebody — he's not sure who — told him he'd be shot if he didn't get out of the trailer before it was toppled. Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair, tearfully contends that Nicholas County Sheriff Dick Garrett "showed no respect for my home" when he ultimately ordered two tractors to ram the thing and set it on its side.

On the other hand, Garrett, a wiry chain-smoker who ran for re-election with the slogan of "More 'Dick' in 2006," maintains that anybody who thinks it's a fine plan to pay somebody $200 to move their 25-year-old home, all their belongings, and a passel of pets with a farm tractor can't exactly complain when things go wrong.

"I know I wouldn't pay somebody $200 to move my house and everything in it," said Garrett, noting that the group didn't have a required permit or escort. Basically, he said, he could have arrested the lot of them: Barton, her brood and the hauler. The charge, he said: "being ignorant."

To be fair, the partial closing of U.S. 68 for some nine hours on a Friday night is pretty major in Nicholas County, where Garrett Tuesday was reviewing a Mayberry-like constituent call concerning a thwarted attempt to snatch a fresh cherry pie from a kitchen.

He said he did all he could think of to salvage the mobile home, but had to get the road clear. "It's a federal highway," said Garrett, who stood in the rain from roughly 4:30 p.m. Friday until 2 a.m. directing traffic with the rest of his force, a single deputy.

"I'm sorry it happened," he said, "I really am."

But, asked what he would have done differently, Garrett said, "I'd have knocked it over sooner."

Barton spent more than an hour Tuesday standing and crying next to a 10-foot-high pile of wooden walls and pink insulation, sometimes cradling her daughter's doll, one starting to show signs of black mildew after sitting in the damp remnants of the house. Over and over, she said, "Everything is gone. I've lost everything. It's all I had."

Barton, who helps manage the mobile park where she lived, paid for her home with a settlement from an automobile accident. It's the first home she's owned by herself.

She said she thought the man she hired to move her home knew what he was doing. Chris "Pancake" Meyers told her, she said, that he had more than 13 years' experience in hauling things and that he had the proper permits and insurance for the move. (She didn't ask to see proof of insurance or a permit, she said. Meyers could not be reached for comment Tuesday by the Herald-Leader.)

About 1½ miles into the move, the tires popped off. Sheriff Garrett said he's heard that somebody warned the group the tires would be loose and they should stop the move. He said Barton insisted on going ahead.

And soon found herself in front of Jim Gaunce's house on U.S. 68. Garrett said over the course of the evening, he did everything he could think of to get the house unstuck so it could be salvaged. But, he said, several of the well-intentioned efforts did significant damage to the house. For example, trying to push with one truck from behind while pulling from the front resulted in the hitch coming off and Barton's blue-walled bedroom being crushed.

Lee Roberts, owner of Roberts Heavy-Duty Towing in Lexington, said his company was called in to help. "We tried to pull the trailer back on the road but couldn't without tearing it to pieces."

When asked to push it off the road to clear the traffic flow, Roberts said he declined to do so.

That's when, Garrett said, he called on Meyers and another farmer with a tractor to tip the trailer.

He said he gave Barton and her friends and family at least two hours to get out what they needed and asked more than once if they had everything they wanted before he issued the order to push. Garrett said he didn't know how badly damaged the trailer might be, but thought he had no other choice.

Barton said she collapsed before the final destruction and was taken away by a friend, but Alan Gaunce said Garrett told him the cleanup was "all up to you, baby."

Garret said he has given Barton 10 days to clean up the mess. He's already talked to the county attorney about charges if the debris hasn't been removed. Even as looky-loos slowed while driving by the wrecked house and an increasing number of clumps of insulation littered Jim Gaunce's yard, Garrett said it's not the responsibility of the county to do the demolition or removal.

Without money, Barton said, she's relying on friends to dismantle and move the trash. At least two of the men working Tuesday said they took off time from their jobs on horse farms to help and are working with hammers, a sledge hammer and a chain saw. The Red Cross paid for a hotel room for a few days, but now Barton is on her own. The family, a mishmash of real kin and unofficially adopted kids, teens and young adults, are crammed into a smaller trailer while Barton tries to sort through it all.

Jim Gaunce, an amiable great-grandfather, watched most of it unfold from his rocker in a sunny living room with windows so spotless birds frequently thud into the glass while trying to fly through.

He's sympathetic to both sides and willing, he said, to be patient as the mess is cleaned up. He worries that the insulation might blow into nearby farms, get eaten by cattle and do some major internal organ damage, putting a dent in someone's livelihood.

But he knows one thing for sure. "Somebody," he said, sitting calmly as a chain saw roared, "is going to have to clean that thing up."

I WOULD TOTALLY SUPPORT THAT SHERIFF, HAHAHAHHAHAA. Remember kids, vote for dick in '06!

source

As it turns out...

2008-11-19T21:29:00.000-08:00

today is World Toilet Day!

Ha! What are the odds?

the connections my mind makes...

2008-11-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

never ceases to amaze me.

I've been cleaning most of the day because my boyfriend's mother is going to be coming in tomorrow and staying with us throughout the weekend.

I'm in the bathroom, scrubbing the shit out of it, literally and when cleaning a toilet, I hardly ever use a toilet brush. I don't find them to be 100% effective, so it may sound gross, but I bet my toilet is cleaner than your average toilet for it.

As I'm kneeled down in front of the toilet, cleaning the inside of the bowl by hand, it dawns on me that this must be exactly the way it feels to fist a vagina.

Oh, another thing...

2008-11-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

...I forgot about Texas that I hate. FIRE ANTS! They aren't in Oregon or Washington, thank god. Fire ants, or red ants, are horrible little bastards that will swarm over every inch of exposed or unexposed flesh that you offer, and sting the fuck out of you. It hurts like a mutha. Even just one sting will hurt for like a week. There has been reported deaths for multiple stings too. Oh, and the little fuckers float, so you can still get stung if you're in a pool or lake. Invest in a skimmer!

Obama's new limo.

2008-11-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

So....is GM trying to remind everyone that Obama is only half black? That's the impression I'm getting.

Specifics of Obama's new limo

Texas Made

2008-11-17T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was born and raised in Texas. We had moved a lot over the years, but for the majority, I lived in Whitney [Lake Whitney], Texas. Super small town with one stoplight. Since I've been gone, they've added a second stoplight. Way to go, guys.

Ahhhh the Whitney Dam. The only reason to go over the Whitney Dam is to get to the liquor store. I'm serious.

There isn't shit to do in Whitney, no movie theater, no shopping, nothing. Nothing except cliff-jumping.

I'm serious.

Whitney sucks. Just about everyone that lives there hates it. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to visit, but I hate to live there. If my boyfriend and I break up, I'll be right back there too. Perhaps I need to increase my blowjob output ratio. Anyway, as much as I miss my family, I have issues with Texas.

~I hate country music. (I will admit that Carrie Underwood is good though)
~I don't like horses. I think they are pretty, but don't ask me to ride one.
~Cows are evil. They definately deserve to be made into yummy hamburgers.
~I have been practicing on losing my accent since I was in the 6th grade. (seriously)
~I hate hate hot weather. Texas is always hot, or has the random ice storms. No other seasons whatsoever.
~I am not a Bush supporter. (President, not pubes)

I have that on a tshirt. I'm serious.

Now, there is a pretty good rock music scene in Texas. Austin is the best city, by far; it's just way too expensive to live in. And, well, 90% of my family and 95% of my son's family lives in Texas. Which brings me to why I left.

The remaining 10% of my family. My older sisters. I did not grow up with them, and never really knew them very well. I have no real memories of them from 4th grade to my senior year of high school. Which is exactly when they contacted me again. They waited until I turned 18, then found me. It was kind of like those jenny-jones-reunion-shows, without jenny. We kept in touch through phone calls and letters, and I finally flew out to Oregon/Washington to visit. That's when I fell in love with the area. It is so beautiful here. The weather is perfect. Plus, I could finally get to know my sisters and through them, who my father was. It was basically a "why not?". I was hating Texas in a big way, and I had been thinking of moving for a few years anyway. It was down to Oregon/Washington or Colorado, and my boyfriend and I decided to do OR/WA first.

Oregon is pretty great. I actually like the months of rain! Oregon has the amazing city life, small neighboring towns, moutains, the beach, farms, outdoor markets, festivals, alcoholics galore, theaters that play everything, etc. Crazy mass public transportation, the most bike riders I've seen in my life, and if you like weed, you can definately call Oregon home.

My only beef with Oregon = no freakin' A/C. What is wrong with you people?! I realize that it doesn't get super hot but only 3 months in the entire year, but those 3 months are HELL.

Oh, and I miss the hell out of actual BBQ and Whataburger. Note to all Oregonians: BBQ-ing and having a cook-out, are two separate things. I promise.

sigh

2008-11-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

I love talking to my parents on the phone, it's never a dull experience. Just yesterday I was talking to my dad. Right when I answered, he says

"Hunny, I'm locked up, I need you to come bail me out."

Immediately I think that it's true, and he is too drunk to realize that I'm in a totally different state, and can't bail him out. I ask him where's he's at, and he says "McLennan County, I think."

Yep, he's definately drunk. I keep asking him where was he when he was pulled over, where was he heading, so maybe I can figure out where he's being held. Finally, he responds,

"I'm messing with you, I'm not in jail. You think I would call you? I would never call you to bail me out of jail. Hahahahaha."

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

"I've always been an asshole, hunny" is his response. O Dad.

We chit-chatted about random things. He's still working in Houston on the flood cleanup/rebuild, I'm still dating "that boy." We always touch on the subjects of my older brother [if he's in prison or jail], my little sister [who is brilliant, but mean], how I'm doing [the answer is always "fine"], and the fact that I can always come back home. It's quite a predictable conversation, but I love it. ...Well, until he's drunk, then the conversation gets stuck on a loop.

After we finished our white-trash-tango-of-info, I talked to my pepaw for a few minutes. He is quite the character. He is one of the most awesome old guys I know. We were discussing my employment dilemma [see: screwed], and my pepaw told me that perhaps I needed to get my ass out on the corner. hahahahahaha. Ya know, get my shit figured out and pay those bills. O Pepaw.

"doing it" in the water, is hightly overrated.

2008-11-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

lists, and the never getting to them part.

2008-11-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

I have so many things I need to do ON TOP OF the daily sending-out-my-resume act.

-call Capital One and bitch at them
-find a clinic that will give me birth control on the cheap
-clean the entire freakin' house before Thursday
-do laundry and actually manage to put it away
-grocery shopping (will have to do tomorrow)
-bill paying (double suck)

But what am I doing instead? Procrastinating. Per usual. Reading blogs. Adding clothes to my wish list online. Etc.

On a side note: perhaps HellBoy 2 isn't the best movie for a 5yr old to watch.

Closed until further notice...

2008-11-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

I lost my job on Halloween.

I have limited internet connections since the boyfriend's laptop is broken.

I suppose I'll post more shit when I either a)find le internet, or b)not be so stressed/depressed/drunk during the day.

carve any pumpkins this year?

2008-10-31T09:49:00.001-07:00

Go to this site to see more awesome carvings.

I don't think I've carved a pumpkin since I was 12yrs old. I really need to get back on that pumpkin carving train....

flaming bag-o-poo

2008-10-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

TRY AND STOMP THE FLAMING BAG OF POO!

Ha!

2008-10-29T11:11:00.001-07:00

i'm so broke...

because I love all things Super Mario...

2008-10-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

...jesus....

2008-10-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I keep reading all these depressing stories today, I guess I'm on a mission to make myself cry or something.

Boy Accidentally Killed by Submachine Gun at Firearms Expo
Father, Instructor Nearby When the 8-Year-Old Fired Micro Uzi

First the school shootings in Arkansas, and then Jennifer Hudson's family, now this. Goodness.