sigh

I love talking to my parents on the phone, it's never a dull experience. Just yesterday I was talking to my dad. Right when I answered, he says

"Hunny, I'm locked up, I need you to come bail me out."

Immediately I think that it's true, and he is too drunk to realize that I'm in a totally different state, and can't bail him out. I ask him where's he's at, and he says "McLennan County, I think."

Yep, he's definately drunk. I keep asking him where was he when he was pulled over, where was he heading, so maybe I can figure out where he's being held. Finally, he responds,

"I'm messing with you, I'm not in jail. You think I would call you? I would never call you to bail me out of jail. Hahahahaha."

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

"I've always been an asshole, hunny" is his response. O Dad.

We chit-chatted about random things. He's still working in Houston on the flood cleanup/rebuild, I'm still dating "that boy." We always touch on the subjects of my older brother [if he's in prison or jail], my little sister [who is brilliant, but mean], how I'm doing [the answer is always "fine"], and the fact that I can always come back home. It's quite a predictable conversation, but I love it. ...Well, until he's drunk, then the conversation gets stuck on a loop.

After we finished our white-trash-tango-of-info, I talked to my pepaw for a few minutes. He is quite the character. He is one of the most awesome old guys I know. We were discussing my employment dilemma [see: screwed], and my pepaw told me that perhaps I needed to get my ass out on the corner. hahahahahaha. Ya know, get my shit figured out and pay those bills. O Pepaw.

Old timers should get punished for being assholes.

Seriously, I don't care that you're old and you done this or that for our country; if you are going to act like an asshole, you should get put in your place. I saw this story on the news last night. They actually interviewed this lady and the kid who's ball landed in her yard.

BLUE ASH, Ohio (AP) - Police in Ohio say an 89-year-old woman is facing a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children accuse her of refusing to give back their football.

See, in that little excerpt, it would seem like she is just some innocent lil old lady. Until you see the interview. Which I couldn't find, but trust me, that lady was acting like a dick. Okay, I'm sure she is sick and tired of having balls land in her yard while she sits on the front porch. But that doesn't give you the right to take the ball and refuse to give it back. Or act like a dick to the police by telling them that they can go ahead and throw some cuffs on you 'cuz you aint giving the ball back to the kid. What she should have done was put up No Trespassing signs in her yard, and then called the cops for the kid trespassing. Or she could have shot him. Either way would have put her in the clear, legally. Not morally.

And yes, it was a little hokey that they told some sob story about how the kid saved up his money all summer for that ball, which made me want to call b.s. on the dad; but still.

Goodness.

And as much as I love my grandpa, that man will straight up spit on the floor at the grocery store.

True Story:
[Pepaw spits on the floor in the produce section]
Me: "What the hell, Pepaw?"
Pepaw: "I don't give a fuck, sugar. They can't do shit to me. Haha."