yes please!

Conversations with a 5yr old:

*In my confused quest to do something with my life, I decide to ask my son what he thinks I should do; since I have no idea myself.

Me: Hey Noah, if you could give me any job in the world to do, what job would you give me? What should I do for work?

Noah: I would want you to be happy.

Me: Awwww. Thank you, but what should I do for a job? Like, what should Mommy do when she grows up?

Noah: You should do whatever you want to do.

Me: Ok, but I don't know what I want to do. What do you think I want to do?

Noah: I think you should be a police lady.

Me: Really? Why?

Noah: 'Cuz you're beautiful.

Me: ...and police ladies are beautiful?

Noah: Yes.

bad secks?

When you encounter a bad sexual experience, do you stop it or do you endure it?


Bad sex happens to everyone, but it's how you handle it that groups you into 3 different personalities.

1. You stop the bad sex from going any further and become the teacher. You instruct your little heart out until you reach full orgasm. You either repay your partner for doing a good job or not, but it's mostly about you and any future partner they might lay their future knowledge on.


2. You stop the bad sex from going any further and ask the offending party to leave. Or you get up and leave. You might add something classy like, "I'm sorry but you are really horrible in bed, please leave."


3. You endure it. You endure it and hope to god that they finish quick and get the fuck out. Then you never ever ever call them again.


Which one am I? I have to say that in (both) those situations, I've been number 3. I don't like confrontation. Plus, guys are super sensitive to constructive criticism, i.e. will start calling you a bitch and basically throwing a big hissy fit if you try to tell them they suck in bed and to gtfo. So yeah. I'll just lay there and take it. Bored out of my mind. Thinking about who I'm going to call the minute Mr.BadLay leaves to chat all about the horribleness of it.


Awesome clip from the movie Waiting, please click to admire my hero Serena for shutting down Monty

In my bad sex experiences, they were both similar in sexual style.



The first happened when I was 16. I had been flirting with a guy for a while and knew I was going to make my move at a party later that night. I even told him and my mother both that I was going to lick him. I cant remember why that was my brilliant "line" but it worked. I doubt it really mattered what I said since I was 16 and willing. Anyway, we started making out at the party and he eventually led me to some empty house that was being built near the field where the party was. (It might be a southern thing, but field parties or pasture parties are one of 3 main party places.) Luckily the house had just been carpeted, so the sex wasn't too uncomfortable. Well, that is, until the, um... jackhammering began. That was his technique. Rapid, shotgun like humping from behind. A steady rhythm with no real feeling. I felt nothing. He actually came twice within about 10 minutes. It was the biggest joke ever. My thought the entire time was "I've waited for SO LONG to have sex again and this is it? Really?!". Afterwards we pulled our pants up and went back to the party. I went into that situation with the intention of it just being a one time thing, and I left the situation wanting it to be a wish-I-could-go-back-in-time-and-never-experience-that thing. Incidentally, one of my friend's ended up dating him soon after that and after comparing notes, her best sexual experience was also my worst. So to each their own. Also, she probably has a very shallow vagina.


My second bad sexual experience a few years after that. I think I was 19 or 20. My longest relationship had just ended and I was newly single with my own apartment for the first time. I ran into an old employee one night at work and gave him my number so he could come over after my shift ended. I wasn't super attracted to him, I just wanted to have fun and it was the first time I had given my phone number out with the intention to hook up 30 minutes later. I rushed home and picked up a little bit, feeling excited. He called and I gave him directions. Once he got there, it was strictly hit it and quit it time. I'm not sure if the door was shut all the way before he started kissing me. I like aggressive guys so this looked like it was going to be a really great night. But no. I realized very soon why he was so aggressive. He had to make up for his very tiny penis. I was shocked. Seriously. Now, it's not like I've dated black men and am just use to a rather huge, er, lifestyle. I'm not. So that was let down number one. Then the sex. Oh the sex. Much like in the first story, dude only had one technique. Rapid fire. You know the saying, "fuck like rabbits"? Well, that's all I could picture in my head since I was experiencing the literal version of that. He actually humped me so fast and hard that I kept falling off the bed. It was ridiculous. Thank god that it was over quickly. Thank god he had no class and jetted out of there immediately afterwards as well. Needless to say, my phone "lost" his number before I lost sight of his taillights.


Now, maybe if either session had gone on for more than 20 minutes, I might have stopped them and said something, but thankfully it was over before I had the thought process to even begin to think of something to say. I suppose I should be thankful that they were also selfish and didn't want to please me. I might have laughed at the mention of such silly notion. Well, no, I take that back. The first guy was and is a sweet guy. He did ask me if I came, which I promptly lied and said yes to. I don't like hurting feelings. Well, unless it's funny, and the only joke was on me those nights.


So what turns me on? Well, that's a completely different blog, but I'll just leave you with a few words: rope/violent/roughplay/slap and this song that is on my "songs to strip&&fuck to" playlist:

i've got blogger's block

i'm at a loss on what to write. if anyone wants to know anything in particular, just ask. until a muse donkey punches me with some inspiration, i guess i'm out.

Take a bite outta crime.

Metro bus driver takes bite out of McGruff the Crime Dog, police say

McGruff never saw this one coming.

McGruff the Crime Dog, the stern but beloved police mascot who teaches children how to stop crime before it happens, became a victim himself this weekend when a Metro bus driver punched him in the face as a stunned group of children watched, authorities said.

McGruff, who is played by D.C. Police Officer Tyrone Hardy, was passing out fliers to children at the corner of 14th Street and Spring Road in Northwest Washington around 2:30 p.m. Saturday when a Metrobus pulled up to the curb.

The bus driver, 38-year-old Shawn Brim, climbed out of the bus, adjusted both side-view mirrors and then slugged McGruff in the face with his closed fist, according to a police report. Because the huge McGruff head offered little visibility, Hardy didn't see the punch coming, one officer said.

McGruff staggered, children screamed, and the crime dog's attacker jumped back into the bus and drove off, police said. A call of an assault on a police officer went out over the police radio while passengers on the bus yelled at Brim.

D.C. police working with McGruff hopped in their cruisers and pulled over the Metrobus three blocks away. Brim, 38, later told a supervisor that he was trying "to be funny," Metro spokeswoman Candace Smith told The Examiner on Monday.

"But nobody here finds it funny, believe me," Smith said.*NOBODY BUT THIS BLOGGER, THAT IS* "That kind of behavior is not tolerated."

Hardy was left with a swollen right cheek but refused to be taken to the hospital by D.C. paramedics. Hardy called in sick Monday.

"He was in good spirits but seemed more concerned that the attack upset the kids," police Lt. Alan Thomas said.

Brim was charged with simple assault. His arraignment had not been scheduled as of Monday afternoon.

Brim, who has been employed by Metro since 2003, will undergo drug and alcohol testing by Metro officials, and his future with the agency is under review, Smith said. Brim has a history of arrests in the District of Columbia, including on suspicion of prostitution on Oct. 30, 2006, possession of PCP in 1994 and possession of a gun in 1990, according to court records. In each case, prosecutors declined to file the charges in court.

All Metro transit employees go through background checks when hired, Smith said. Metro applicants are not eligible for hire if they have one felony conviction within the last three years or two within the last 10 years. Applicants with multiple arrests or convictions for lesser crimes will be less likely to be hired, Smith said.

(Copyright 2009 by The Examiner. All Rights Reserved.)

Wait a min. This dude has a history of prostitution, drug possession, and gun possession; and he STILL got hired to drive around a bunch of kids?! Are you kidding me?! I guess as long as your driving record is clean, it's all good.

However, this is still hilarious. The crime enforcement mascot was punched in the face. In front of children. What could be more perfect than that?

yes please!

Pi Ice Cube Tray

AWESOME!

Plus, I always wanted to have my own shop named Pi. But with the symbol, not actually spelled out. Regardless of what the shop sold. Cuz I'm a dork.

Care to trip the moonlight fantastic?