Monday, October 27, 2008

take from it what you will.

I suppose I get pretty home sick, pretty often. Maybe because I'm not around a huge network of people on a continuous basis, and when you are literally alone most of the day...well....there's usually one place your mind will end up. The past. Memories. Whathaveyou.

Since I've moved so far away, I like to read about my old stomping grounds as often as I can, which is usually weekly. I found my home town's (and rival's town's)newspaper and love reading them. Especially since the local crime blotter can more often than not, contain the names of old friends, schoolmates, acquaintances, and hell, even family members (my dad was just arrested a week-ish ago).

When I was reading one of the online papers this morning, I found out that someone I knew was now working for the Sheriff's Department. We had both been in the same Criminal Justice Program together, so the mere organization and position weren't so much of a shock; but it did throw me through a loop none the less.

I use to date his brother a lonnnng time ago. I dated his brother twice, actually. And then many years after that, this guy and I actually ended up sleeping together. Once. Admittedly I treated him like shit afterwards. Refused to accept his calls, totally shut him out 100%. I felt extremely bad about it too, but I was going through a pretty bad [redacted]. If I saw him today, it would be tres awkward.

Now he's in this power position with the law and I'm even more ashamed on top of the awkward history. He works for the Sheriff's station. The same Sheriff's station that has, and will probably continue to, be involved in my parent's business. Do I really need to define what I mean by that? My parent's past unlawful decisions and probably future unlawful behavior. Not just my parents either (my older brother is in prison right now, but he lives in a different city).

I've never really been the type of person to go into super detail about any of that with friends, so the fact that this person, with whom I have a history; might and probably will learn about some of a past that I...ya know...hid? Ugh. Plus I'm friends with this person's brother (obviously) and his dad. THIS is why I hate living in a small town. Especially when you have secrets.

Oh, and blogging about it isn't shit. Maybe, maybe, 5 people tops, reads this. And it's not super bad stuff, I just don't like everyone associating me with who my parents are right when they meet me. I can't tell you how many times I heard "Oh, you're Tammy's daughter?!" and instantly feel a panic attack set it. Daily. Weekly. Too many times.

Needless to say, I've spent the better part of my day stuck in the past.

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