Thursday, July 31, 2008

Poor, poor Mr. T

I hope he still gets paid even though his commercials were banned. Lord knows he needs the paycheck.

Here are some other banned commercials.

Now, I swear I've seen the spaghetti one, but the third one is funny as fuck!


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

If you don't know the AWESOMENESS that is Dr.Horrible...

...then you are a damned fool. Go, watch it now! [] The Awesomeness is in three acts.

Best 40mins of my life! I'm impatiently awaiting the Dr.Horrible tshirts I ordered, and the actual release of the DVD....

Really, KICK ASS Pizza.

The Rock pizza is very, very good. Their new location in Vancouver, WA is now open, and yours truly just had to go check it out. Their menu has many non-pizza items, and more pizza recipes than you could wish for (all named after some kick ass rock song or other). There are kid menus (which my picky eater loved) and they even bring out pizza dough for the kids to play with. The atmosphere is awesome, good tunes, and the waitstaff is beyond amazing. And believe me, I can definitely critique some wait staff. OH, not to mention their bar/beer/wine selection is freakin' awesome. I had a drink called "The Bucket", which was served IN A BUCKET. You know those kiddie sand pails? Yeah, it was in one of those, complete with shovel. I'm not kidding. It had 4 different rums, and customers are only limited two! PLUS, purchasing said awesome-pail aids libraries. Oh yes, they donate The Bucket sales to libraries. My three favorite things: booze, books, and pizza. OH, and rock music. So that makes four. They also have two different happy hours, your regular 3pm-6pm, and another later one.

They are located all over Washington state, but if you are in PDX, jump right across the river and check out the one in Vancouver (seriously, it's like the first exit across the bridge)!

*Stupid links aren't working. The Rock's website is

In Case Of Earthquake

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

JUL 29 2008

-Been on a Gilmore Girls bender lately. Show's even better, third time around. Thank god for netflix.

-Currently reading The Sleeping Doll by Jeffery Deaver. Great writer, great book. Upon completion, must grab up more titles by said author.

-Stressed about the parents.

-Stressed about the kid's birthday.

-Have a little heartburn.

Monday, July 28, 2008

That's right, I fucking SANK that destroyer!

Oh man, I am so awesome at this game:


Found that shit at Goodwill for $1.99! And watching my boyfriend cry after I beat him? Priceless!


So, I go back home to Texas next week. I'm super excited until this morning. OF COURSE I get sucked into my parent's b.s. and I'm not even there yet. It's so frustrating. I just wish I could take my brother and sister away from them and raise them by myself. I seriously doubt they will sign over their rights to me, but one can wish right? I just wish I didn't live so far away from them right now.

Today kind of sucks.

Friday, July 25, 2008

i had a dream once...

...when I was about 11yrs old. My dream was crazy and long, and vividly colorful. At one point I was floating in the ocean and came upon Steven Tyler (from Aerosmith), and he was shaped kinda like a dingy, and looked like those wooden weebles who, you open and there is another weeble inside, and you open that one, and there is another one inside, over and over. Anyhoo, the dream ended like this: My mother and I were driving to a friend's house to pick up a motorcycle for her. In order for her to get the motorcycle home, she had to drive it, and I was to follow her in our white ford taurus. As we are driving our respected vehicles, something goes wrong. I hear her say "oh, shit" and she loses control of the motorcycle and falls. I can't help but to run her over.

I wake up gasping and panicked, and start to cry.

Years later my mom and I are having one of our 3am talks. I tell her about that dream and I dismiss it by saying that she always talked about wanting a motorcycle. She says that maybe I was subconsciously worried about her dying. Which had never occurred to me since I never really imagined her actually dying. I had imagined my father dying and getting the phone call telling me of his passing. I had imagined that a lot actually. I worked out all different scenarios where I would get the phone call at school or at home, and what my reaction would be. Of course when it happened, it was very different than anything I had ever thought up. But, amongst all my seemingly morbid daydreaming, I had never out-and-out imagined my mother dying.

Now I do all the time.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Survey Says?

You're trapped in a room for 3 days with your worst enemy, what do you do?
-have violent, violent sex

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what happens?
-if sober: i would stare straight ahead or watch the floor numbers while saying nothing, yet hoping that he would say anything
-if drunk: strike up the most raunchy conversation known to man, make him very aware of my love of all things kinky and my awesome blowjob skills, then offer a demonstration of said awesome skills

The celebrity you love the most offers to marry you, as long as you don't talk to any of your current friends or family members anymore, do you marry them?
-are you kidding me?! i would have an excuse not to talk to them?! hells YES i would!

You weigh 700 pounds, do you get liposuction or lose the weight manually?
-i would purchase a hunting rifle* and shoot my fucking brains out

*a hunting rifle as to ensure that the bullet would actually penetrate all the layers of fat and successfully "do the job"

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
-fuck him. in my experience, it totally makes the relationship better, but then again, i am awesome and not like other girls.

Have you ever liked someone on your top friends?(clearly this survey was taken from myspace)
-well, my boyfriend is on my top no. no i havent. that bastard.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend finds out they have AIDS, do you get yourself tested?
-right after breaking up with his cheating ass, yes. then i drunkenly call him a few days later after realizing that there is no one else i can fuck now and i need some dick...

If you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it?
-oh god yes. and by the way, whose rule is this?!

What about shoot up heroin?
-yup, i'd do it.

i'd probably spend the rest of my life addicted, and subsequently die from it, but still....

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
-probably not, unless i was the mole on the inside or something

You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color?
-jessica-rabbit-red. it would be awesome.

Someone asks you on a date, where do you wanna go?
-anywhere that serves alcohol

You have to get a facial peircing, what do you get?
-i'd go back in time and get the ever popular 90's eyebrow peircing.

You have to get a tattoo, what do you get?
-i'd get a tattoo of the devil screwing the batman up the ass. its symbolic of my current relationship.

When's the last time you were in a photobooth taking pictures with friends?
-i did that almost two years ago w/ my sisters...

Are you mad about anything?
-no way man, everything is groovy right now. out of sight.

Your good friend is getting beat up real bad in a fight, do you help out?
-i'd tape it and post that shit on youtube.

Could you go a month without cursing?
-fuck no.

Are you currently reading a book?
-yes, and its horrible. i fucking hate it and i want to hunt down the author and roundkick him in the face for putting out such horrible literature.

fucking new york times bestseller my ass.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
-yes, and hated it. i'm not a horse person at all.

horses freak me out (and no i didn't fall off or anything)

Would you strip for a million dollars?
-oh god yes. i'm poor.

i would have to be very drunk or high, but i'd definately do it

Are you scared of sharks?
-not really. maybe i would be if i were bleeding profusely in their general vicinity, but other than that, no, not really.

You can take one friend on vacation with you (no boyfriends/girlfriends!), who do you choose?
-depends on where we are going....different friends have different geographical connections

You take someone's boyfriend/girlfriend and they start cutting themselves, do you feel bad?

clearly they need professional help for some serious underlining issues that are not directly related to anything i did.

Abortion; yes or no?
-if only my mother had aborted me. fucking whore.

Gay marriage; yes or no?
-why not? over 50% is going to end in divorce anyway, might as well let them give it a shot. maybe our stats will get better. they probably know something we dont know about making shit work. ya know, cuz of all their magicial powers and whatnot.

what? that's what the rainbows are about right?

there's that silver thread

So, a good thing came out of having to push back The Kid's birthday party. Now he can go to "his girlfriend's" birthday party. If I would have kept the original date, then their birthday party's would have been on the same day. So this is actually pretty great.

Oh yes, my 4yr old son has a girlfriend. He actually has two girlfriends. Oh so very much like his mother....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

a foodie and a geek had a baby...

..and it was awesome

My Guilty Pleasure


Oh yes, that's right. I'm one of those people. I freakin' love High School Musical. I know, they're corny, and hokey, and fantastic! There is usually only one song per movie that I hate, dance sequence included; and they offer up a pretty horrible message (don't do what's best for your future, worry about what your friends think, etc), but I can't help it, I love High School Musical. I have both the first and second movie, and even though I use my son as an excuse to watch them continuously, I am totally looking forward to the October 24th theater release of High School Musical 3. God, even the trailer is gross, but I'm still going to go see it opening weekend. So while everyone is gushing over The Dark Knight* and the new X-Files movie*, I'll be not-too-patiently awaiting My Guilty Pleasure.

*I really want to see those movies too! I just can't take my son to those movies...


My favourite characters are Sharpay and Ryan, btw. Damn it, now I have to go home and watch High School Musical 1 & 2, even though I already watched them last weekend...


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

[fuck] pt.2

my son's birthday party got pushed back and i nixed the bounce house, too many fees + insurance + forms...fuck that mess. he'll get a bounce house when i get a backyard. BUT, i got My Perfect Location, even if it is the wrong date, day, and time.

oh christian...

well, if christian bale's mother is anything like mine, i hope he knocked that cunt out.


i think i have to push my son's birthday back. i found The Perfect Location yesterday, but today i got a call saying that My Perfect Location was already reserved for that entire freakin' day! really?! fucking greedy bastards have to reserve My Perfect Location alllllll day? jeez, i only wanted it for 2 damn hours. in the morning, no less.

so now i have to figure out if i want to settle on some crummy location, or push back the birthday. right now i'm leaning towards pushing back the birthday, since i'm already late on getting invites out and i think asking people to come over next weekend is too short of a notice right now anyway. ugh. hopefully some asshole hasn't reserved My Perfect Location for the 16th.

Monday, July 21, 2008

what the fuck is christian bale thinking?!

...okay, don't get me wrong, while i don't necessarily remember the last terminator movie, i do remember liking it, despite it's too-long story line. and i do love the show The Sarah Conner Chronicles, but seriously...what the fuck is Christian Bale thinking?! he is too good of an actor for this bullshit.

here is a trailer for The Sarah Conner Chronicles:

Summer Glau is brilliant in it, but then again, she was born for the roles of government-made-killers.


has anyone seen the new JC Penny Commercial emulating The Breakfast Club?! what.the.fuck? i'm officially boycotting JC Penny, not that i actually shopped there in the first place, but if i were to shop there in the future, well not anymore bub! you do NOT fuck with a classic! and to make it into a fucking commercial? for clothes?! ohmygod. i was so pissed off last night, seriously. the boyfriend told me to shut up and just blog about already.

Friday, July 18, 2008

survey says?

1)Would you spend the rest of your life with your current partner?
-oh god no. i'm too slutty and realistic.

2)Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-it's kinda hard to resist my son. i swear, that kid is growing up to be a rapist.

3)Are you crushing on someone?
-no. i'm content-with-our-boring-life-and-have-pretty-much-settled on someone

4)Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
-does almost breaking his penis count?

5)Have you ever made a close friend cry?
-if wishes were tears then chuck norris would round kick you in the face

6) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
-as long as i'm getting laid and not getting bitched at for being the lazy one during intercourse, then i'm all good

7)Have you ever told someone you loved them and didnt mean it?
-no. i have told someone that i fully intended to pay back their loan, and didnt mean it

8)Have you ever had your heart broken?
-well, it's sort of hard to locate my heart. i mean, i'm pretty sure its still there, but it has kind of shrunk in size and rolled into the far corners of my guts or something.

9)Have you ever broken someones heart?
-i'm pretty sure the "sorry for breaking your heart" blowjob was a good consolation prize. even when breaking up, i am still the best girlfriend.ever.

10)Talk to any of your OLD friends?
-only during the visiting hours that Crestwood Living Retirement Home allows

11)If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
-i would have definitely opted for the neon orange parachute pants...yeah, yellow was SO not the way i should have gone with that one.

12) have someones number that u dont know?
-do you mean like "you're number's up, bub!" or "phone number"? cuz my answer could go either way...

13)Think any of your friends like you more then a friend?
-well, i am awesome at sucking cock and eating pussy, so yes.

14)Do you believe that you are a good boyfrIend or girlfriend?
-no. i'm the BEST. girlfriend. ever. How many girlfriends do you know who let their boyfriends hit it from behind so that he can watch the sci-fi channel while eating a ham sandwich? the BEST one, that's who

15)Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
-second chance at not tainting beef? no, not at all.

16)Do you want to get married?
-the only good things that come from a wedding: cake.

17)Ever liked someone elses boyfriend or girlfriend?
-sure, but my friends and i usually swapped once we were finished anyway.

18)Have you told anyone youd marry them...?
-not even in my drunkest blackouts have i mentioned marriage. thank god, i am totally allowed to be in vegas now. throwing bottles of perfume at his head, my boyfriend can handle; wanting to get married, my boyfriend can NOT handle.

19)How many times have you really wanted someone you couldnt have?
-many, many, many, many times. what can i say? my vagina gets all tingle-y when i drink alcohol.

on with the updates already, lady!

Update 1).
I am planning my son's 5th birthday party right now. The theme is Justice League/Superheros (since Spider-man is not part of the Justice League). I have a date set, but I have to narrow down with park to set it in. Also, bounce house or no bounce house? Given of course, if the parks are bounce house compatible. So agenda for this weekend? Visit parks, call and reserve, call bounce house masters and reserve (if park of my choosing allows bounce houses), make invitations, scout out all dollar stores in search of cheap ass table cloths and/or pillow cases. Why table cloths and/or pillow cases you ask? Well, being the fantastic person that I am, I'm going to have each child decorate and wear their very own cape and mask! Yay them.* So I'll need to find those items and some Velcro and yarn/elastic cord. I'm sure I'll go nuts in the party stores too. Ugh. Ohhhh, and the outrageous cake I plan on baking. I won't give anything away, ya know, in case I fail; but it's going to be awesome.

Update 2).
Planning my Texas trip as well. So many people to visit, so little time. This is pretty much an "up in the air" kind of situation. Nothing can be concrete until I actually get there. It doesn't help that a good majority of the people I want to visit like all over the damn place.

Update 3).
Oh yes, I am also trying to plan the boyfriend's birthday as well. It's not until October, but dude is turning the big 3-0, so it has to be big. We already know that it's between Vegas and Colorado. Colorado will be the winner if the Avalanche play the Stars there around that time. Yup, big geeks we are. Of course, we don't really have money to gamble with anyways, but I'm leaving the decision up to the boyfriend. It's a matter of getting friends and family to join, that I'm concerned with. Plus, Flogging Molly is playing here around that time as well, so I told him we need to make his birthday a week long event. So we'll see.

*Please note: The only reason I'm truly having the kids dress up in capes and masks, is so I can wear my Batgirl costume without feeling like a total idiot. Hells yes, I knew I'd get another use out of that thing...ya know, other than Halloween and random sexcapades.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Which Is Worse?

The things that have happened to you, or the things that haven't?

Monday, July 14, 2008

i have $5.57 in my bank account right now...

....duuuuuuuuuude. Tomorrow's payday can not come soon enough. Bills are late this month. :(

Friday, July 11, 2008

oh man. last night.

the concert was....


a)kick ass:

-our tickets were on the floor, no seats, ultimate rock-out potential

-the foo fighters played a mini set from a drop-down stage in the middle of the floor. seriously, this shit dropped down from the ceiling. insane.

-4 motherfucking encores.



-i rocked out, back and feet hurt like a mutha.

-totally worth it



-some fucked up douche hurt his leg/knee and laid on the floor for like 3 songs before he figured out that he could indeed stand up.

In conclusion, the second time seeing the foo fighters will not be the last! They are always awesome and always put on a killer show.


The only true complaint - the fucking venue would not allow alcohol outside their designated areas, so no drinky while watchy. that shit is fucked up. luckily, we got buzzed during the mediocre opening bands.

This is the best day of my life!

Michael Buble and Emily Blunt have BROKEN UP!!!!!!!!! and i couldn't be happier. i must make my move! oh my goodness, i love this man! i would even let him stick it in my ear.

pure sex on the stage:

even more sexiness:

funnies on rove(best interviewer EVER):

i've never wanted to fuck a crusty old woman more:

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

flying in a tin can

It's confirmed. I am now flying to Texas next month. August 3rd - 10th to be exact, so don't expect any posts for that entire week. Sorry to my 1 1/2 readers out there.

I'm very excited, I get to visit my family and friends; most of whom I haven't seen in a year. Many drunken times lay ahead.

After getting raped by the booking fees and random charges; I did discover a few oddly hilarious flight facts.

1) Nunchakus, Spear Guns, Meat Cleavers, Sabers, and Swords are not allowed in any carry on luggage; however, they are allowed in checked luggage.

2) Lighters are the only item on the huge TSA we-discriminate-against-arabs list that are allowed in a carry on bag, but NOT allowed in checked luggage.

3) You better not "be gellin'." Cuz apparently you can be "gellin' like a felon," literally. -Gel insoles are a no-no, checked, carried on, or worn. Interestingly enough, gel bras are perfectly acceptable. I guess getting blown up is okay, as long as you get to see a great pair of tits before you go.

4) You can not transport human remains in checked luggage, but you can totally fly with your dead uncle harry's ashes in a carry on. Although, that bastard never deserved anything better than an eternal date with a devil who has a morbid fasination with constant fisting; fisting with a very large object, which projects jagged edges no less.

I kid, I rather like the way my thursday night dates go.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


sorting through flight options for next month...oh what a headache!

Monday, July 7, 2008

"i'm in a long-term, commited relationship"

We met when I was 17yrs old. He was 25. We worked together at the same restaurant. Oh, did I mention that I was still in high school and pregnant? haha dude has something for fat chicks. To make matters more tantalizing, my mother was our boss. Oh the deliciousness.

We started hooking up 3 months after I had my son. I mean, I'm slutty, but I'm not that slutty. We had to keep it a secret from almost everyone so he wouldn't get fired or thrown in jail. It did start out as purely sexual. Which was great, by the way. I definately did not want a relationship, what with having a bastard child and all; and he had post-divorce hang-ups, so we were perfect for each other. I was drawn to his sarcastic, dry wit. He was drawn to my fantastic post-shoving-a-child-out-of-your-vagina cleavage. It worked.

My mother guessed what was going on before I actually turned 18, but somehow she was cool with it. She was probably high though. He moved in with us soon after that, and; being pussy whipped, he asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Of course living with my psycho mother and alcoholic dad just did not work out for us, so we moved out together after I graduated. Now, I love my parents, but there is just so many ripping-phone-jacks-out-of-walls-at-4am sessions I can handle. Oh, don't get me wrong though, my parents are awesome in their disfunction. I totally look forward to visiting with them next month.

Boyfriend and I have been together ever since (5yrs); with the execemption of a brief 3 months separation. Which was heartbreaking, but I did get to hoe it up, so it worked out.

We are perfect for each other, of epicially geek porportions. We have the same horrible since of humor. I joke about my giant vagina, he jokes about option "C". *ppst, that's an abortion joke, kids. And yes, our song is the theme to the super mario bro's games. He thinks it's funny to call me "the Devil." He introduces me to everyone that way. Hell, I'll meet people for the first time, and they already know me as "the Devil." He even has my phone number programed into his phone like that, and everyone thinks it's so hilarious when "the Devil is calling." Asshole.

He is the only guy I've ever loved.

We don't plan on getting married ever. Unless of course, Michael Buble is there to sing, Kevin Smith is there to marry us (with our own fucked up vows), and I have the below mentioned wedding cake.

job update

mr.bossman is fixing my paycheck + i get thursday off + my vacation is (paid) still a go! yay! today is a good day! :)

i have found my wedding cake!!

Okay folks, first off: I'm not getting married. However, if I were to get married to current boytoy, I have totally found my wedding cake! Also, this might be better explained by the fact that "our song" is the theme to the Super Mario Bro's games. I'm so not kidding.

Behold the brillz:









Thursday, July 3, 2008

trippiest, most brilliant shit EVER

thanks to mr.diggles, i have found the one thing you should never watch when tripping on acid. even sober, it might freak you out + leave you in awe at the same time. behold.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Hey Landlords, You MIGHT Not Want To Piss Off Your Tenants

A Portland man has been convicted of killing his landlord and fellow tenant. Apparently the landlord was going to kick homedog out, on account that dude was always late with his rent. So what does Mr. Latepayer do? He decides that murder is the answer to possible eviction. Yeah.

Oh, and it gets worse. I guess that he decided if he was going to actually commit murder, he would go all out. You can tell he was truely mad at the landlord and only a little upset with his housemate (must of played his music too loudly or left his dishes in the sink).

So here is the setup: the housemate's bullet-ridden body was found off the side of the road. Next to him was the torso of the landlord. Yes, only the freakin' torso. The landlord's limbs and much of his skin were later found in some minivan that also contained blood from all three men...

Okay, so I'm not a doctor or anything, but it seems to me that some body parts are missing. Lets count: one torso + limbs + much of his skin = full body? Yeahhh I don't think that adds up.

Here's the link to the story:

Sadly enough, all I could think about while reading that story, was; I wonder if they are going to rent out that room for a cheaper rate now?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

this is the sex

This looks so, absolutely fantastic, that I might have just creamed my panties. And then....well, lets just say my vagina dried up quicker than a race between Superman and Flash. Guess the drawback...