Saturday, November 29, 2008

Dreams can be so tiring...

For months I've been having a lot of dreams. It's sort of odd.

A few nights ago I had a dream where I was waiting tables at my old job, and was about to get off work since it was almost closing time. I fixed myself a salad to eat after cleaning up and set it down. Suddenly, the restaurant started to fill up w/ customers at the last minute. One of the other servers started complaining about getting sat because they had just finished cleaning their section, but I told him to stop whining and get back on the floor, since the restaurant was literally filling up and no one was leaving. At this point there are three servers (including me) handling the dining room, and while I'm in the main wait part of the kitchen in the back, I hear a voice yell out, "gun!." Shots are fired and everyone falls to the ground, including me. I can see into the dining room from where I am in the kitchen, and I get out my cell phone. A man is standing up, holding a child, and pointing the gun at who I can only assume is the child's mother or grandmother. As I'm describing the situation to the 911 operator, all cop-like (shots fired at Lone Star Cafe in Hillsboro Tx, shooter is a black male, in his late 20s, early 30's, white tshirt, black pants, etc etc), I see that he sees me. He starts coming toward the kitchen. I know I'm about to get shot, but can't stop talking to the 911 operator. I wake up.

A week ago, I have a dream where I've just parked my white van (I don't own a van in actual life). It's dark, nighttime. I get out with my passenger and we start walking up and around a building. A couple of people come out of the darkness, perhaps from behind a tree, and a man has a gun. He points it at me. I raise my hands above my head and start to say something like, "hey man, chill out, just take the van.." but before I can even finish a sentence, he shoots me. I gasp with so much force (and surprise) that it physically wakes me up.


I was telling my sister about these dreams and she promised to look up shootings/violence/etc in her dream books and get back to me. Here is what she found out:

guns: whether you saw it, heard it or used it, any type of gun featured in your dream forecasts an injustice, either to you or to someone in your close circle, which you will have to fight hard to overcome

hmmmm.

If you have sex in a bathroom, make sure a crowd of people aren't gathering, ala Sixteen Candles:

A couple of University of Iowa fans took a break from Saturday's game at the Metrodome against the University of Minnesota to have some illicit sex in a Dome restroom, police said.

The duo — a 38-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man from Carroll and Linden, Iowa, respectively — turned a handicapped toilet stall into their love nest about 8:30 p.m., late in the Hawkeyes' 55-0 trouncing of the Gophers.

A crowd of intoxicated fans gathered in the restroom to laugh and cheer the off-the-field action, until an Avalon Security guard tipped off University of Minnesota police to the ruckus.

Officers had to interrupt the intimate moment to cite the couple for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor


And here's the kicker:

Hestness assumed the woman was embarrassed about being caught: She initially gave a false name to officers and had to be identified by her husband before she was released.
The man was attending the game with his girlfriend, according to police.

"It's a long ride back to Iowa," Hestness said.


Hahahahahah. Fucking, brilliant! Just goes to show you, cheaters never prosper...or cheat smart.

Source

It was a sad November:



Tiggerboy's xbox360 died...so he held a very geeky, very kick ass funeral for it. Check Check Check it out here.

Rad.

Monday, November 24, 2008

just...why?

our upsidedown christmas tree :D Pictures, Images and Photos

You can buy upside down christmas trees at Homedepot, but why would you want to?

On a totally unrelated note: blogging topless is fun!

wtf



At first it just seemed like a video of kids masturbating, then I slowly started to get freaked the fuck out by all the staring. They're looking right at me. Like into my soul. wtf?! Also, what's with the demon chick? Or the little pussy who is actually crying? Seriously dude? You make me want to slap you with the power glove. I don't know whether to throw the laptop out of fear, or weep from the lack of humanity these kids have.

On the other hand, I hope my boyfriend never films me playing games. Lets just say it would be NSFW based on the profanity alone.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-based Recipes.

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Description:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!


I especially love the product reviews.

about time [ No Rating ] 21 Nov 2008
by joe brown
I bought this book the second I heard about it. I had been shooting my scrotal milk into all of my friends dishes without them knowing for years, since I got this all have been requesting my brew in their food.
Still, I don't think I'm ok with my mom eating my gonad glazed goodies but she says it tastes pretty good.
Also makes for easy transition from breast milk to solid food for babies. Plus they're still used to the nipple so they do most of the work.
A++


So, as you can see Santa, it's a pretty useful tool for my kitchen. It's time for me to turn my naughtyness into niceness, right? Or turn it into a decent chicken breast, at least.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Too.Many.Jokes...Don't...Know Where... To Begin...


CARLISLE — There's little undisputed in this story, the tale of the tipped trailer.
Frances Barton's single-wide, the one she had fully paid $5,000 for and was hoping to move to a little piece of land she was buying on a $250-a-month land contract, is now literally in pieces on Jim Gaunce's front lawn.


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Frances Barton cried Tuesday as she watched cleanup on what's left of her single-wide mobile home four days after it was overturned while it was being moved along U.S. 68 in Nicholas County near Carlisle.

How, exactly, the mobile home came to this odd resting place is where the story gets complicated. On Friday, Barton hired a guy to put her house on a trailer and move it up U.S. 68 in Nicholas County. When the trailer broke down and the house blocked the highway for hours on end, the sheriff got involved.

Barton, and the extended web of friends and family who lived with her, claim authorities didn't give them time to clear out a house full of furniture, much less clothing and the things that can't be replaced such as pictures, favorite toys and baseball card collections.

Barton's boyfriend, Alan Gaunce, no relation to Jim, said somebody — he's not sure who — told him he'd be shot if he didn't get out of the trailer before it was toppled. Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair, tearfully contends that Nicholas County Sheriff Dick Garrett "showed no respect for my home" when he ultimately ordered two tractors to ram the thing and set it on its side.

On the other hand, Garrett, a wiry chain-smoker who ran for re-election with the slogan of "More 'Dick' in 2006," maintains that anybody who thinks it's a fine plan to pay somebody $200 to move their 25-year-old home, all their belongings, and a passel of pets with a farm tractor can't exactly complain when things go wrong.

"I know I wouldn't pay somebody $200 to move my house and everything in it," said Garrett, noting that the group didn't have a required permit or escort. Basically, he said, he could have arrested the lot of them: Barton, her brood and the hauler. The charge, he said: "being ignorant."

To be fair, the partial closing of U.S. 68 for some nine hours on a Friday night is pretty major in Nicholas County, where Garrett Tuesday was reviewing a Mayberry-like constituent call concerning a thwarted attempt to snatch a fresh cherry pie from a kitchen.

He said he did all he could think of to salvage the mobile home, but had to get the road clear. "It's a federal highway," said Garrett, who stood in the rain from roughly 4:30 p.m. Friday until 2 a.m. directing traffic with the rest of his force, a single deputy.

"I'm sorry it happened," he said, "I really am."

But, asked what he would have done differently, Garrett said, "I'd have knocked it over sooner."

Barton spent more than an hour Tuesday standing and crying next to a 10-foot-high pile of wooden walls and pink insulation, sometimes cradling her daughter's doll, one starting to show signs of black mildew after sitting in the damp remnants of the house. Over and over, she said, "Everything is gone. I've lost everything. It's all I had."

Barton, who helps manage the mobile park where she lived, paid for her home with a settlement from an automobile accident. It's the first home she's owned by herself.

She said she thought the man she hired to move her home knew what he was doing. Chris "Pancake" Meyers told her, she said, that he had more than 13 years' experience in hauling things and that he had the proper permits and insurance for the move. (She didn't ask to see proof of insurance or a permit, she said. Meyers could not be reached for comment Tuesday by the Herald-Leader.)

About 1½ miles into the move, the tires popped off. Sheriff Garrett said he's heard that somebody warned the group the tires would be loose and they should stop the move. He said Barton insisted on going ahead.

And soon found herself in front of Jim Gaunce's house on U.S. 68. Garrett said over the course of the evening, he did everything he could think of to get the house unstuck so it could be salvaged. But, he said, several of the well-intentioned efforts did significant damage to the house. For example, trying to push with one truck from behind while pulling from the front resulted in the hitch coming off and Barton's blue-walled bedroom being crushed.

Lee Roberts, owner of Roberts Heavy-Duty Towing in Lexington, said his company was called in to help. "We tried to pull the trailer back on the road but couldn't without tearing it to pieces."

When asked to push it off the road to clear the traffic flow, Roberts said he declined to do so.

That's when, Garrett said, he called on Meyers and another farmer with a tractor to tip the trailer.

He said he gave Barton and her friends and family at least two hours to get out what they needed and asked more than once if they had everything they wanted before he issued the order to push. Garrett said he didn't know how badly damaged the trailer might be, but thought he had no other choice.

Barton said she collapsed before the final destruction and was taken away by a friend, but Alan Gaunce said Garrett told him the cleanup was "all up to you, baby."

Garret said he has given Barton 10 days to clean up the mess. He's already talked to the county attorney about charges if the debris hasn't been removed. Even as looky-loos slowed while driving by the wrecked house and an increasing number of clumps of insulation littered Jim Gaunce's yard, Garrett said it's not the responsibility of the county to do the demolition or removal.

Without money, Barton said, she's relying on friends to dismantle and move the trash. At least two of the men working Tuesday said they took off time from their jobs on horse farms to help and are working with hammers, a sledge hammer and a chain saw. The Red Cross paid for a hotel room for a few days, but now Barton is on her own. The family, a mishmash of real kin and unofficially adopted kids, teens and young adults, are crammed into a smaller trailer while Barton tries to sort through it all.

Jim Gaunce, an amiable great-grandfather, watched most of it unfold from his rocker in a sunny living room with windows so spotless birds frequently thud into the glass while trying to fly through.

He's sympathetic to both sides and willing, he said, to be patient as the mess is cleaned up. He worries that the insulation might blow into nearby farms, get eaten by cattle and do some major internal organ damage, putting a dent in someone's livelihood.

But he knows one thing for sure. "Somebody," he said, sitting calmly as a chain saw roared, "is going to have to clean that thing up."



I WOULD TOTALLY SUPPORT THAT SHERIFF, HAHAHAHHAHAA. Remember kids, vote for dick in '06!

source

As it turns out...

today is World Toilet Day!

Ha! What are the odds?

the connections my mind makes...

never ceases to amaze me.

I've been cleaning most of the day because my boyfriend's mother is going to be coming in tomorrow and staying with us throughout the weekend.

I'm in the bathroom, scrubbing the shit out of it, literally and when cleaning a toilet, I hardly ever use a toilet brush. I don't find them to be 100% effective, so it may sound gross, but I bet my toilet is cleaner than your average toilet for it.

As I'm kneeled down in front of the toilet, cleaning the inside of the bowl by hand, it dawns on me that this must be exactly the way it feels to fist a vagina.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Oh, another thing...

...I forgot about Texas that I hate. FIRE ANTS! They aren't in Oregon or Washington, thank god. Fire ants, or red ants, are horrible little bastards that will swarm over every inch of exposed or unexposed flesh that you offer, and sting the fuck out of you. It hurts like a mutha. Even just one sting will hurt for like a week. There has been reported deaths for multiple stings too. Oh, and the little fuckers float, so you can still get stung if you're in a pool or lake. Invest in a skimmer!





Obama's new limo.


So....is GM trying to remind everyone that Obama is only half black? That's the impression I'm getting.

Specifics of Obama's new limo

Monday, November 17, 2008

Texas Made

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I was born and raised in Texas. We had moved a lot over the years, but for the majority, I lived in Whitney [Lake Whitney], Texas. Super small town with one stoplight. Since I've been gone, they've added a second stoplight. Way to go, guys.

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Ahhhh the Whitney Dam. The only reason to go over the Whitney Dam is to get to the liquor store. I'm serious.

There isn't shit to do in Whitney, no movie theater, no shopping, nothing. Nothing except cliff-jumping.
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I'm serious.

Whitney sucks. Just about everyone that lives there hates it. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to visit, but I hate to live there. If my boyfriend and I break up, I'll be right back there too. Perhaps I need to increase my blowjob output ratio. Anyway, as much as I miss my family, I have issues with Texas.

~I hate country music. (I will admit that Carrie Underwood is good though)
~I don't like horses. I think they are pretty, but don't ask me to ride one.
~Cows are evil. They definately deserve to be made into yummy hamburgers.
~I have been practicing on losing my accent since I was in the 6th grade. (seriously)
~I hate hate hot weather. Texas is always hot, or has the random ice storms. No other seasons whatsoever.
~I am not a Bush supporter. (President, not pubes)
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I have that on a tshirt. I'm serious.

Now, there is a pretty good rock music scene in Texas. Austin is the best city, by far; it's just way too expensive to live in. And, well, 90% of my family and 95% of my son's family lives in Texas. Which brings me to why I left.

The remaining 10% of my family. My older sisters. I did not grow up with them, and never really knew them very well. I have no real memories of them from 4th grade to my senior year of high school. Which is exactly when they contacted me again. They waited until I turned 18, then found me. It was kind of like those jenny-jones-reunion-shows, without jenny. We kept in touch through phone calls and letters, and I finally flew out to Oregon/Washington to visit. That's when I fell in love with the area. It is so beautiful here. The weather is perfect. Plus, I could finally get to know my sisters and through them, who my father was. It was basically a "why not?". I was hating Texas in a big way, and I had been thinking of moving for a few years anyway. It was down to Oregon/Washington or Colorado, and my boyfriend and I decided to do OR/WA first.

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Oregon is pretty great. I actually like the months of rain! Oregon has the amazing city life, small neighboring towns, moutains, the beach, farms, outdoor markets, festivals, alcoholics galore, theaters that play everything, etc. Crazy mass public transportation, the most bike riders I've seen in my life, and if you like weed, you can definately call Oregon home.

My only beef with Oregon = no freakin' A/C. What is wrong with you people?! I realize that it doesn't get super hot but only 3 months in the entire year, but those 3 months are HELL.

Oh, and I miss the hell out of actual BBQ and Whataburger. Note to all Oregonians: BBQ-ing and having a cook-out, are two separate things. I promise.

sigh

I love talking to my parents on the phone, it's never a dull experience. Just yesterday I was talking to my dad. Right when I answered, he says

"Hunny, I'm locked up, I need you to come bail me out."

Immediately I think that it's true, and he is too drunk to realize that I'm in a totally different state, and can't bail him out. I ask him where's he's at, and he says "McLennan County, I think."

Yep, he's definately drunk. I keep asking him where was he when he was pulled over, where was he heading, so maybe I can figure out where he's being held. Finally, he responds,

"I'm messing with you, I'm not in jail. You think I would call you? I would never call you to bail me out of jail. Hahahahaha."

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

"I've always been an asshole, hunny" is his response. O Dad.

We chit-chatted about random things. He's still working in Houston on the flood cleanup/rebuild, I'm still dating "that boy." We always touch on the subjects of my older brother [if he's in prison or jail], my little sister [who is brilliant, but mean], how I'm doing [the answer is always "fine"], and the fact that I can always come back home. It's quite a predictable conversation, but I love it. ...Well, until he's drunk, then the conversation gets stuck on a loop.

After we finished our white-trash-tango-of-info, I talked to my pepaw for a few minutes. He is quite the character. He is one of the most awesome old guys I know. We were discussing my employment dilemma [see: screwed], and my pepaw told me that perhaps I needed to get my ass out on the corner. hahahahahaha. Ya know, get my shit figured out and pay those bills. O Pepaw.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

"doing it" in the water, is hightly overrated.

lists, and the never getting to them part.

I have so many things I need to do ON TOP OF the daily sending-out-my-resume act.

-call Capital One and bitch at them
-find a clinic that will give me birth control on the cheap
-clean the entire freakin' house before Thursday
-do laundry and actually manage to put it away
-grocery shopping (will have to do tomorrow)
-bill paying (double suck)

But what am I doing instead? Procrastinating. Per usual. Reading blogs. Adding clothes to my wish list online. Etc.

On a side note: perhaps HellBoy 2 isn't the best movie for a 5yr old to watch.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Closed until further notice...

I lost my job on Halloween.

I have limited internet connections since the boyfriend's laptop is broken.

I suppose I'll post more shit when I either a)find le internet, or b)not be so stressed/depressed/drunk during the day.